New Year's Resolutions:
Kick-start Your Life!
Alta in Austin, Texas, writes:
Sisters, I am ready…I am soooooo ready to start a new life. I am tired of living below my potential and of missing out on my dreams. I want to be reborn, have a change of heart, and have my entire life made over. I have good things in my life, but I know that I miss out on so much merely because of the power of habits.
It's a new year! Please help me! I need some advice and encouragement to make real resolutions that will produce lasting change!
Happy New Year to my favorite column!
Jeannie says:
I wish you could see my face right now. Perusing my shelf (no lie)…shelf full of diaries consecutively arranged from the year 1979, I realize that my posterity will laugh their heads off. Why? Every single one of these diaries' last entry is somewhere in March. The rest of the year apparently did not exist or wasn't significant enough to record with pen and ink. Honestly, I am totally devoid of anything that resembles long-term discipline. Like you, every New Year's Eve rolls around and I'm off like the hare, knowing full well that eventually the tortoise of resolute commitment is going to overtake me, in spite of my good intentions. You are so right. The power of habit is a double-edged sword: making or breaking our strength of will.
OK, so how in the world can we force, hogtie, and, eventually, train ourselves to do things automatically, which now take such amazing will power? How do we close that gap between where we are and where we want to be? I almost answered, "You tell me." Then, I remembered a couple of areas in my life where the gap has come together and how this was accomplished. Even though I'm no sterling example of dogged will power, maybe these modest successes could be of use.
Alta, the first thing we all have to realize is that a "total makeover" in a year could be way too ambitious to be realistic. Such a goal would be, in my opinion, terribly frustrating and probably not wholly achievable. Instead of an entire face-lift, let's look at a wart or two.
- Set yourself up for success. By choosing first, one or two goals that are totally within your reach, you will orchestrate the positive results necessary to ignite resolve for the bigger tasks in your "makeover." You used the words "reborn" and "change of heart." These words are very spiritual in nature and indicate that some remodeling in that area may be indicated. OK…here's one of my long-standing warts right out there for the whole world to read. I have trouble with morning prayer. I'm not a morning person and to put two cohesive sentences together before 9 AM is really difficult. Truth is, if I wait till I'm fully functional, I forget. Here's another wart: I'm not an overt "list person." By making myself write post-it notes or an actual (shudder) check-list with morning prayer at the very top, I know that before I move on to other "more pressing" tasks, those knees are going to be bent. With one successful day behind me, I know it will be possible to have another and another. It's small, it's do-able and it's absolutely essential if I'm going to line my will up with the Lord's. If I can do this, then together, He and I can change anything.
- Make yourself pay or reward yourself. Yes, I'm talking pain or pleasure, here. If you forget or mess up, don't throw the whole thing over. I started a gazillion diets to lose my 10 pounds and then, would pop that chocolate right into my face; sometimes accidentally, sometimes willfully. At that point, I always said "Oh well, blew it anyway, I might as well have another." If we understand our very human nature, we would know that the elementary system of punishment/reward does work…even on us. I finally paid (very literally), and joined a weight-loss organization. I figured $14 a pound was probably the most expensive thing I'd ever done. It hurt (big time), it worked and my reward is putting on a pair of jeans I haven't worn comfortably for years.
- Slay a daily "dragon." Pick one task that you absolutely hate or have put off to the point where it's disturbing your peace of mind. Slay that scaly thing whole, or in parts. When you stand back, look at the clean closet or really tidy bowl and bathroom, you are going to feel so good. That after-glow will spill into other areas of your life. Dragons temporal and spiritual, which may need slaying or just taming, will jump into your field of vision and be dealt with as they should: in the right order.
Alta, I wish I were a better example of persistent and consistent goal realization. Like you, I struggle daily trying to tame my "natural woman." I am just now, after 54 years, coming to understand why the Lord is on a different timetable than I am: it's going to take a millennial day for me to get all my spiritual ducks in a line. But hey, look at the list I made for you! Maybe there's hope, after all.
Kathy says:
Hi Alta. What a great desire this is, for a new year. Let me run something by you: one of my best friends has been my peer mentor on a number of occasions when I was trying to form a new habit. Sometimes we worked together for up to six months, mostly via email. It wasn't easy, but it was very effective, because she rode me like a pony when I didn't report back to her, and she was all over me like a five-foot band-aid when I didn't stick with my program. Of course she was my advocate, cheerleader, and coach. It was pretty simple. I just took some quiet time and plotted three important goals. Academic, personal, financial, whatever, and broke them into weekly and daily behaviors. Then emailed her when I had completed my list each day, and a summary at the end of the week. I think we always feel more encouraged when we are making measurable progress somewhere, and when we have a pal keeping track, so we can't just slack off and feel discouraged again. I think it might be fun to see if someone out there in the circle would like to volunteer to be your peer mentor, and you two sisters could both pledge to be honest and keep the rest of us up to date on your progress. I know that many of our readers would willingly remember you in their prayers and would even keep your name on the prayer rolls of the temples of the world, wherever they might live. I am very confident we would see a miracle unfold before our eyes. What do you say?
Alta writes:
The problem is, I always get excited at the new year and then I lose the motivation. I like your idea about mentors but I'm a little intimidated by being with one person I don't know. Are there other sisters who could work with me? That would be less scary.
Kathy says:
Hi Alta. Yes. Alison is working to set up a forum where we can mentor and lift each other. I think we all, every one of us, feel inadequate to keep ourselves pumped up and moving forward. It is very easy to lose heart, to panic, to feel that no matter how hard we try we will never get past the first step of desire for change. The team approach might be just right for many of our readers who are kind of scared, sometimes, about how hard it seems.
Alison says:
It was very fortunate that I read Kathy's and Jeannie's responses to you before I wrote. Otherwise you would have ended up with a list a mile long of my favorite goal-setting, personal enrichment, positive mental attitude books, programs and resources. I still think they are valuable , but not nearly as helpful as their inspired suggestions.
When I read Kathy's letter, I was envious because I knew that mentoring was exactly what I needed, too! And so my thought was that the mentoring idea could be implemented on a more global scale. In other words, rather than just looking for a mentor to help you with your goals and progress, we could implement a forum for any LDS women who are trying to make lasting change! We can post our successes and failures and give support-group-style camaraderie. What better way to keep focused on what we want? What better way to pick ourselves up when we have a temporary setback that seems more than temporary? How better to prevent that post new year slump in our resolve?
So, sisters, what are your goals for the year? What do you dream of for your life? What will it take to get there? Let's hear from you!
Here are a few of mine:
- Higher quality prayer (i.e. prayer that extends beyond the ceiling!)
- Get healthy
- Control my temper
- Financial independence
- Philanthropy
- Judge situations without judging people
Marjorie from Beaverton, Oregon writes:
I am trying to set some resolutions this year, too. But I don't know how ambitious I am. I never seem to follow through beyond January 14. There is something magic about two weeks for me, or maybe the word is cursed. I like Jeannie's three points and I'm going to try those, starting out very small. I think my goal for this week will be to eat less than an entire pound of chocolate and read at least one verse of scripture. (I'll try to choose a verse other than "Jesus wept.")
Alison shared some of her goals. Do Kathy and Jeannie have any? I could use some decent ideas.
Alison says:
Marjorie, are you saying that my goals aren't decent?? Hee hee.
I feel your pain! The only difference between the two of us is that I still haven't learned how lame I am at following through. I still get all hyped up every single year, no matter how miserably I failed the year before.
A few years ago, however, I learned a great lesson from a dear friend. His name was Robes Patton. Robes was a sports writer for the Sun-Sentinel in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, who covered the Miami Heat and traveled all over tarnation with them. He was a gourmet (as well as everyday!) cook who loved Bruce Springsteen. He bought clothes at thrift stores and always remembered every little detail about your life—even things you didn't remember telling him—and looked for things you might like to know about or hear about or taste or see. He adored his wife and two sons and daughter.
Four years ago he died after fighting a malignant brain tumor for two years. He was only 39. Just before he died he also happened to be my bishop.
Robes was one of most unique, funny, interesting, odd, charitable folks I ever knew. And I'm not just saying that because he died. I don't believe in granting sainthood to people just because they are beyond the veil. And he was no saint. But he was awesome and my husband and I both miss him.
Every year Robes made resolutions. Not just a couple, but dozens of them! The remarkable thing was that he actually—honest and truly—kept them! Was he super-human? No. But he had a great trick, one that all of us have heard over and over, but probably never implemented like he did when it came to the daunting New Year's Resolution. Jeannie already mentioned it, but let me elaborate. Robes would make long lists of little, tiny, incremental, almost imperceptible goals that inched him ever so slightly toward the person he wanted to become. All were doable and none was overwhelming. Hence, he never had to create a huge, life-changing plan before he could start, and he never felt like giving up. Robes would set goals like:
- Answer more of my kids' questions.
- Look up at the sky each morning.
- Learn to cook new recipe.
- Write a letter to a missionary.
- Pray more on my knees and less in the car.
Once in stake conference, our stake president's counselor challenged each of us to accept the goal to "read the scriptures for 15 seconds a day." Of course, we all thought he had misspoken. But he hadn't. 15 seconds is unlikely to overwhelm any of us, but it just might motivate us to do the hardest part—opening up our scriptures. And, you know, once they are finally open, it seems like such a waste to stop after only half a verse!
Ahhh…Robes would have liked that!
Jeannie says:
Dear Marjorie:
Oh, yes, I have goals…thousands. You want reachable goals? Here they are:
- Morning Prayer
- Scripture (hey I like YOUR idea…even 1 per day)
- Exercise (not doing too well with this one yet)
- Practice daily (pretty consistent)
- Temple attendance at least one time a month
That's it. Notice no journal writing. I'm fudging and using my daily emails to Kathy as my journal. I hope the Lord is OK with that. See how mundane mine are? Nothing lofty or world-saving about them.
Kathy says:
Marjorie, I have friends from Beaverton, and loved seeing your message in my in box this morning. I think the behaviorists in our readership will all be slapping high fives—isn't it supposed to take two weeks to change a behavior and three to create a new habit? If you really do have a tendency to cruise through a pound of chocolate without thinking twice, put 'er there, sis.
I had the same modus operandum until I developed such a low tolerance for glucose, probably as a direct result of that behavior, that I now can't eat one piece of chocolate without drastic symptoms. I am learning, oh, so slowly, that if we don't school ourselves, life will school us harshly. I think this can be said of all our bad habits. I'm getting the message at my age, that we should literally rejoice and thank Heavenly Father for our trials, because it is these hardships that teach us.
My resolve will sound awfully silly to anyone who is mature in the gospel, but here goes: I have learned that I need to follow my very tiny baby steps, exactly as I believe they are given to me. They include leg-lifts every morning before I get out of bed, pushing through to fifty on the first side and twenty on the second, no matter how bitterly my old muscles complain or how pitifully they beg me for a break.
This is a wonderful "school," because the law of the harvest plasters itself right in front of your nose on this one. By about the third day, fifty leg lifts are perfectly comfortable and do-able, but if you skip two days, you are right back where you started with the murmuring. In fact, my self-help handle for Alison's forum should be "murmuring momma."
My second baby step, which I know is directly coached by my Father in heaven, is to spend a few minutes each morning undoing my mess. I don't know why some people seem to have been born messy, but I am their poster child. Again, if I allow even two days to get between me and this goal, I have more stuff heaped on my bed than I can sort through in a week, and often the missing needle in that haystack is I. I don't believe that is the way my Father wants me to live. I have resolved many, many times to change this characteristic, which is a life-long pattern; but I now believe the only way I will master this self-destructive nonsense is to tackle it every single morning, just like the leg-lifts. I have to recognize it very plainly as a form of behavior that prevents my Father in heaven from blessing me with related successes that He wants me to experience. I have such confidence in the power of even teensy baby steps, especially those established prayerfully, that I know I can report back to the forum that miracles are unfolding for me as I master these habits every, every day. No excuses, no exceptions, no lapses. Maybe by March I will be ready to move another couple of inches in the right direction, but it won't happen until I have passed this test. How long do I want to keep repeating first grade?
Debra from Australia writes:
Hello to all the sisters in this column! I read some of the comments by Alison and Kathy to Alta, all of which are madly fascinating and extremely practical from my experience!
My approach to life tends to be quite Bohemian; so I absolutely control this tendency by using lists and use a monthly broadsheet onto which I write all my plans and goals. I then check these off as they are achieved. When goals are not achieved I simply carry them over to the next month and I don't give up. If it takes a year, it takes a year; and who is going to mind or object in the long run, if you take a year or one week to change a habit, etc. When I was a young adult I could see that I would go nowhere fast without lists. If you stick at it, lists reduce the memory overload and also provide an external check and balance for what we desire in terns of accomplishment.
Interestingly, I had set a goal to complete three pieces of art by Christmas 2002 and, as you can imagine, I had not even come close to this by Christmas. I mused on this and then decided to extend my deadline. These artworks could be completed before the new school year started. (This is late January to early February for us in Australia.) Because I gave myself this grace, I was then receptive to impressions after Christmas to start an artwork on Boxing Day!
Voila! Planning, flexibility, and listening to that inner voice, created motivation; and then I saw that window of opportunity and commenced my drawing/collage. Joyfully and ecstatically, I have, at the time of typing, completed one artwork with two more to finish before the end of January. This has taken me two years to realize.
We need to be firm, not over critical, about our lack of achievement in realizing goals. Sometimes there are times and seasons for being successful in particular areas of life. Some changes are just not possible at particular times in life and we need to accept that; but be ever vigilant in responding to the need to change/achieve when so prompted.
My desire to change my reading habits was undertaken in a similar fashion and to date I have read three books in the last month (whereas I was unsuccessful in changing that habit in 2001)!
Incidentally, my son says that I am the "list queen" and he is always tormenting me in his loveable 15 year old way about my unrelenting reliance on lists!!! You have got to love a fifteen year old who teases!!!
Most definitely I endorse the notion of using mentors. This works if you can access them regularly; indeed it appears that a combination of ideas for changing may be the way to go! Lists and mentors…mmm…a beautiful combination!
You could benefit from assessing what type of person you are. Assessing my "love language" has been quite a boost to understanding myself. Often we lack motivation because we are not receiving the type of love we need in order to maintain our motivation. If we know something about ourselves then we can ask our partners or mentors for the right type of mentoring. When our emotions, etc. are depleted we loose sight of where we really want to be in life and how we want to feel in life. Because we are intricately linked to family, friends, and "significant others," we need their vital support as we try to improve, so why not have everyone on board as we engage in collective and mutual change? Motivation increases when our love language is understood, heard, and listened to. My husband has benefited greatly from making efforts in this area. My motivation to change/achieve has increased vastly. This is not the entirety of any approach to change but it does help.
Having said this, I have found interested/devoted mentors difficult to identify, because many people are quite nervous about assisting in "high level" change and will not willingly consider that others may require assistance as they go about the wonderful process of changing.
Even though this is a mystery to me at times, I accept this when I need to. Others have different agendas or personalities, younger children, living in different geographical locations, anxieties of their own which preclude disclosure, etc. Some people are extremely private and afraid of exchanging ideas for the fear that they may look less than perfect. Strangely enough, I admire imperfection, especially when it is accompanied with honesty and a willingness to roll with the challenges that life always provides.
Though this may sound threatening to some, I have found in some periods of time in my life, when the mentors have been absent, I have sought out professional help from Christian-oriented counselors and I am currently visiting a psychiatrist who has helped me develop some new modes of thinking and living. Transactional analysis is stimulating my thinking no end! If you have a little spare funds and are not embarrassed by the thought of visiting professionals, that can be a plus.
(Question: why do people stigmatize those who seek professional help?)
My ultimate decision to seek professional support, has not been the result of psychoses; but an appreciation which has come after years of reading, that these people are highly skilled in guiding the needs of countless individuals and they have learned a thing or two about how people change. Trusting an honorable professional has worked for me on three separate occasions. Try it if you think it could work and you want privacy into the bargain!
Finally, I would have to say that an eclectic approach is vital…at least you don't become bored! If something doesn't work, try a new approach. You may find that throughout the year you may need to use several ways of achieving your successes. In the long run remember the old adage, that there is one month between changing a bad habit to a good habit!
Good luck with change!
Kathy says:
Debra, what a nice way to start my day!! Thanks for your note. (I read it after my leg-lifts, by the way. I was good this morning; any and all of my mentors, please take note! My bed is made and a new binder is all organized and spiffy.) I will never stop being amazed and humbled at how much our Father in Heaven wants to help us, if He can just get our attention for a few minutes.
Your letter—which is actually a wonderful essay—absolutely thrilled me. I can appreciate how many of our sisters will be guided by your ideas, your attitude, your willingness to share great suggestions, and your charisma, so obvious in your writing. If we all begin our year under this type of influence, I simply know that undreamed-of blessings will result. I renewed my own commitment to lists just a few weeks ago when I got my planner organized again for 2003, and you are so, so right. No matter how bright we are or how "spontaneous" we think we need to be, it cleans up our lives and opens doors for us when we put pen to paper and review our program every morning and evening, at the very least. Can you get us a magnetic image of your art? You have a little over a thousand readers, now, who are dying to see it.
Let me put in a plug, too, for talking to a professional therapist. You make the excellent point that you need to choose carefully, but I don't know of anyone who hasn't spent a few hours exploring better ways to manage their lives with people who, as you pointed out, are trained and experienced in that profession. Your confidentiality comment is important too. Some things are better resolved by an objective person who is committed to keeping the details in a locked file. I agree with you. If the funds are available, why not hire a pro?
Alison says:
You know, Debra, I'm a list person, too. I started with a Franklin/Covey planner and then "graduated" to my own, personalized design. Now I'm all electronic with the help of my iMac and my Treo. I'd be lost without them.
Reading your essay reminded me of M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. Fine book, and it almost made me feel like I could never survive without getting myself a good counselor.
Today I heard the tail end of a caller on the radio with Dr. Laura. Apparently the woman who called felt her life was a disaster and didn't even know where to start. Together they were setting some small goals and the caller decided that for the next three or four days her goal would be to brush her teeth. She hadn't been brushing…at all…and so decided that one time each day, she would brush her teeth.
I've been thinking over the past week about small things I can do to get myself moving in the right direction. Perhaps some of you could share your baby steps as well. We'll help each other make 2003 a landmark year!
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