Mormon Momma: Motherhood: This Isn't My Idea of Fun

Motherhood: This Isn't My Idea of Fun

Some days I wonder what possessed me to change my life plan and decided to stay home with my children. Mothering is incredibly difficult work—even on the best days. But my testimony of prophetic words to mother our own children is lost sometimes in the extreme chaos and other times in the mind-numbing predictability of day-to-day mothering.

After a recent discussion, I considered how I have endured the less Hallmark-like moments since I became Mommy for the first time nearly two decades ago and how other mothers have found joy in mothering when it seemed somewhat elusive. The developing pattern is that when motherhood is unfullfilling, there is usually something (or many things) markedly out of place. Perhaps this list will help you identify your own trouble points so that you can make course corrections to get back on track.

Honest Effort

When I'm dissatisfied with being "just a mom" it very often is because I'm not being a very good one. I'm coding new software, working on the site, writing my book, discussing an issue in a technical forum, reading a blog, creating a new t-shirt, throwing a party, or organizing something or other (list your pet projects here) to such an extent that my family suffers. I'm tired from lack of sleep, things get behind, everyone is hungry (they'd be naked, too, except that I actually like doing laundry now), I get grouchy, the kids feel neglected, I lose my temper.

Sheesh, what I am doing here? I'd rather be at the office!

Obviously, the key here is to have enough self-mastery to take care of the crucial things first. Even if they aren't as fun. Even if I don't feel like it. Even if it cuts into my "personal time."

Can you imagine your reaction if your husband came home from work, having lost his job because he wanted to read Popular Science and shoot hoops instead of completing the assigned project? Shouldn't the work of raising God's children demand at least as much care, thought, and dedication as we expect from others?

Inner Work

As much as I hear women complain about not having time for themselves, I don't see this problem nearly as much as the first, but some women never, ever take time for themselves, to read, to exercise, to improve themselves, to serve others, to enjoy other people, and to have some fun. Their brains and body turn to mush—and that is not a positive place to be.

We all need to be smart, healthy, and happy. Find things to get you there and do them.

Combo Problem

Often, there is an odd combination of the previous two situations. Lots of time is spent doing "stuff," but the "stuff" is of little value. The woman neglects the family for personal things, but still doesn't feel personally fulfilled. I could get snarky here and say this would include things like scrapbooking, but I won't. But if you can tell me what time Oprah or Dr. Phil comes on each day, we need to sit down for a chat.

Truth is, most of us are really busy. So take time for yourself, but use it wisely on things that really do give you long-term benefit to your mental and physical health.

Attitude is Everything

If motherhood is such a wonderful, noble calling, why do I feel so miserable doing it? Sometimes I don't get answers and promised blessings because I only really want them if they will align with what I already decided that I want. My will be done…or no will at all. While this didn't occur in the mothering process, I've seen it in other areas of my life and I've seen others take this course with motherhood.

It's probably true that your child would be better of at daycare than at home with a bitter, resentful, angry mother who would rather be elsewhere. But the real question is, do you have to be bitter, resentful, and angry—just because you might rather be elsewhere? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to find joy in motherhood? Do you make a prayerful effort at it? Or do you (really, deep down) just want to prove that you shouldn't be home anyway? Do you look for the negative, look for the problems, and romanticize what life would be like "out there"?

In my experience, God won't force joy and blessings into our lives against our will. Often, all it takes is a humble heart—along with the outward obedience—to have the heavens open to us.

Knowledge is Power

With all the conflicting parenting advise—even within the LDS community—it's hard to know how to parent effectively. Having no skills can be a recipe for disaster. But having contrary advice can leave us feeling we can do no right.

Truthfully, there is no perfect method that will ensure perfect children. And any philopsophy that works with your first child, will, statistically have a huge chance of failure with all subsequent members of the brood. Still, there are sound parenting principles that align with the gospel. As we prayerfully seek those out—and learn to incorporate them—our confidence in parenting will help relieve the stress of not knowing what to do.

Difficult Situations

Motherhood is tough. But if we have sick, disabled, wayward, hormonal (fill in the hardship) kids, it can seem almost unbearable.

Of the above, I've only personally had very sick kids and extremely hormonal kids (four girls in a row before the boys). But we all know those who have dealt with the worst situations possible.

During tough times, the following ideas have helped me endure:

This too shall pass.
I'm where God asked me to be.
My children need me now more than when things are wonderful.
Appropriately dealing with trials is the path to becoming more like Christ.
I may not be able to fix the situation, but I can improve it.
This is a "journal experience."
The Lord will carry my burdens if I let him.
What could possibly be more important than God's own children?

Fun

For the past week my husband has been out of town on business. This isn't uncommon, but this time Alana is with him in Boston, following the long-established tradition we have of sending our children on a trip with dad when they are 13 years old. So, with Jessica back at college, I'm down to four kids at home—which hasn't happened in over six years.

The unusual circumstance put me in a different frame of mind and so we decided to have some fun at home, too. We lightened the school load and kicked up our heels a bit.

Last night we played hours of games. The laughter was so intense that the tears ran down our faces and our stomachs hurt. I haven't seen Belinda so happy in months.

Tonight we put the little guys to bed and stayed up to watch a really lame movie we had recorded. Again, we laughed the whole time. Not so much at the movie itself, but because a general mood of love and fun that had permeated our house. We couldn't help it.

Without question this brought great joy into our home—and into my mothering—and is something I need to be better at.

Genetics

Do you remember the girls you knew who practially drooled on every baby in the ward. Whenever one was around, they emitted that ear-piercing, migraine-inducing squeal. They loved babysitting and, or course, all the adults loved them. They could comfort a crying tot better than the child's own mother.

Then there was you. As far as you were concerned babysitting was only good if you were really desperate for jeans money. Babies were kind of creepy, in an alien sort of way. And they had gross stuff coming out at both ends. What's to love?

In other words, you've just never felt like you possessed even an ounce of mothering instinct.

My personal experience with this situation has been that…things change. With the birth of your own children (who, every scrap of DNA aside, simply are worlds different from they neighbor's kids), with prayer and thought, with assistance from good, experienced mothers out there, and with more prayer, your own heart can change. It can change drastically.

You may never, ever drool over other women's kids. You may not even want to get close. But even you, really can totally, completely, unconditionally love your own children to the core.

Preferences

LDS women who stay home to raise their own children are not clones of each other and each of us have distinct personalities. It is simply true that the interests and inclinations of some women are more easily addressed at home than are those of others.

If you love sewing and cooking and crafts, you can quite easily feel personal fulfillment as a part of your mothering experience. You can sew for your children, cook for your family, and create a beautiful home with your own creations.

But what if you true passion is mountain climbing, business management, performing, teaching university level classes? How can you pursue these things while still being "at the crossroads" for your children.

First, the hard truth. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes obedience requires sacrifice—sometimes even great sacrifice. And some of us simply can't fulfill every dream and every commandment simultaneously. Everything carries opportunity cost, and those people who promote the idea that anyone can "do it all" usually mean that the adults can do what they want and…well, let's not really talk about the impact on the children. (Children are resilient, after all!) And if we can't do it all, what do we do? I believe commandments and prophetic counsel trump the fantasy.

Second, the easier truth. You can be creative, you can think outside the box. You can do the things you dream—or similar things, or related things, or things that might turn out even better—by using a good dose of prayer and engenuity. And you can do this while raising your children. But you may have to venture from the path becoming so well worn by the world and forge out on your own.

The Center of the Universe

Let's get down to brass tacks. If we don't find joy in motherhood, could it be that we simply just don't understand the nobility of it? I'm not talking about platitudes claiming women are "angels" or other guilt-inducing titles. But what job anywhere, however glamorous could really compare to the grand, eternal significance of being trusted with the task of bringing God's own sons and daughters back to him? That's not a rhetorical question. Give me a job and let's compare:

Insurance processor (filling out forms to showing covered medical procedures) vs. raising God's children to the Lord
Dentist (reading x-rays and filling cavities) vs. raising God's children to the Lord
Karate instructor (teaching form, techniques, weapons use, and sparring) vs. raising God's children to the Lord
Teacher (instructing classes in algebra or other academic work) vs. raising God's children to the Lord
Fashion model (putting on fancy (skimpy? weird?) clothes and walking down a catwalk while having your photo taken) vs. raising God's children to the Lord

It is not my point to make this a male versus female issue, but seriously sisters, let's think about what God has asked of us and what he has asked of our husbands and then decide who seems to be the privileged party:

Men: I need you to earn a living to support your wife and children (even if you don't love your job, even if you have to get two jobs, even if it isn't your dream job, by the sweat of your brow)

Women: I trust you with the lives of my own children, your work (and your glory?) is the same as mine, to teach them and raise them to come back to me and have eternal life

What project, paper, assignment could ever possibly compare to a human being? An actual child of God?

Does it occur to anyone else, as it does to me, that the family, the church, everything is really a scaffolding around mothers? That mothers are the central, not the peripheral, figure around which everything revolves? Why? Because we are at the heart of God's work! We are at the center of the whole purpose of creation! We are the ones most directly in contact with God's own children! And everything is set up to support us in our amazing work. How very, very much God must love us to ask of us the most important thing in the universe, indeed, the very reason that it exists at all.

Additional Resources:

25 Mistakes LDS Parents Make and How to Avoid Them