One Stepchild at a Time
Corinne writes:
I'm often irritated by my stepchildren. One is ten and the other is seven. I've been their stepmother for four years and I'm to the point where I'm just tired of being around them. I hate the fact that they have to live two separate lives—with two sets of rules. Their mother isn't a member of the church but their father is. They are constantly trying to get something out of somebody and I can't stand it. I'm always on edge when they are with us.
These tense feelings that I have aren't helping my marriage. Sometimes they aren't nice to their younger siblings. It is a really difficult situation and I want it to be easier! I've started on studying about charity but I'm still angry every time I have to think about the situation. How do I learn to love them again and put up with the way they treat everyone?
Alison says:
Corinne,
Never have I walked in your shoes, so take my comments for what they are worth…which may be nothing. There are a couple of things from your letter that stand out to me.
First, if you hate your step-children living separate lives, imagine how they must feel. Imagine how unsettling and unstable and unpredictable it must feel being shuttled back and forth. The vast difference here is choice. They did not choose for their parents to divorce and have their lives, activities, devotions split apart. You, on the other hand, did choose to marry a divorced man with children. In other words, you chose to deal with raising children who live two separate lives with two sets of rules.
That doesn't resolve anything or make the situation easier, to be sure, but it should fortify your resolve in doing whatever is best for the children, easy or not.
Second, biological children can also be irritating and biological siblings aren't always nice to their younger siblings either. I'm sure you know that, but it's too easy to separate the kids into "my children" and "my stepchildren" camps and pit them against each other—or at least set up unfair comparisons between children who have terribly different issues to deal with. In order to resolve the situation, it seems, you must view all the children as "your children" and then deal with whatever situations, circumstances, and behaviors arise.
As for how to do that with the additional stresses and problems that arise in step situations, I'm sure there are many books and resources that can address this far better than I! But my best wishes are with you!
Kathy says:
What a snarl of emotions and problems! I don’t know how step parents stay sane, some days. Kids are such natural combatants, I think one of the toughest things any parent can teach is cooperation and genuine fondness among sibs, regardless of the biological issues.
I think the closest I have come to a similar experience was babysitting a cute little brother and sister duo every afternoon after school. They were sweet, good kids, and both of them were adorable in every way. Yet my kids have confessed to me, as they became adults, that they were horrifically mean to these kids. I was so sad! Imagine what these little victims endured day after day after day. I could cry! And I thought I was taking good care of them.
We have been exploring bullying behavior, and everything the Circle has brought to light applies here as well. But the key to stepping is complete, deliberate solidarity between the parents. It is so difficult! The musical parent favors the musical kids. The wanna-be athlete favors the athletic kids. The reserved parent favors the quiet kids. The readers like the bookworms, the neat-nicks like the tidy kids, the bakers like the ones with a sweet tooth—you get the picture. How can they help themselves? It is such a natural, unconscious polarization. Multiply that times the instinct to “take care of your own,” and we have some very challenging marital issues.
The first years of marriage are always tough. So many compromises! It is so human to think grumpy thoughts that we are expected to do all the bending, and New Spouse is strutting around making demands and accusations with no thought of sharing ownership of the difficulties. Step kids learn to play this one like a harp! If the former spouses play into the difficulty, what a Chinese puzzle of raw emotions you have then! And of course it takes a very mature, sane, responsible former spouse not to take the bait when he or she is drawn into the fray. First, the ex-spouse gets to feel included in the kids’ lives. A huge pay-off. Second, he or she gets to vent a life-time of grudges; a diatribe no child should ever have to listen to. Third, there might still be some love lost between the ex-spouses. Sometimes the biological parent just wants to figure out a way to stay in the picture, and kids in common can be manipulated to this end very easily. After all, this was the way the kids liked it, too. "Before." Do you see how easy and natural it is for the biological parent to take the cheap shot against the new spouse as a wanton "home wrecker?"
I think the more we can bring these natural, almost inevitable realities out of the closet as couples, and get some support (correction: a lot of support,) the more we can help the kids find constructive ways to manage their grief and anger with everyone in the family on their side. No more battle camps and sabotages. If couples are tying to manage this Herculean feat without family prayer and scripture reading every day, I hope they would all feel a new resolve to get back on track with those powerful tactics.
Corinne, our hearts go out to you. I don't think anyone can come close to feeling this sort of pain without having been there in person. I hope our other step-moms will write in and offer solace and pointers.
Jeannie says:
Dear Corinne:
You are the "new kid in town" so to speak. Your new marriage,—with its unique set of rules and regulations—will be target practice from day one. Children of divorce come with baggage. Mom's house rules are all they know. Like all children, they are going to push and test that envelope. Confusion, allegiance to and resentment of old vs. new Mom will be tangible for a while.
Let’s examine this. They cannot openly attack you for "trying to take Mom’s place and making them behave." They probably can’t even verbalize their feelings at this time, so…what do they do? It’s the kick the teddy bear syndrome. Boss yells at Dad, Dad yells at Mom, Mom yells at oldest child. This pattern continues down to the youngest child who has no one to punish. He kicks the teddy bear.
Your stepchildren are angry, Corinne: angrier than you. They may be acting out by fighting (more than the "normal" amount) with their younger siblings. Until you find a way to get them to verbalize their fear, anguish, loss and confusion, this situation will probably escalate. Could you make some one-on-one time with each of the children? Maybe an ice-cream date or backrub after all the others are in bed. Confess your own vulnerability i.e. "This is very new territory for me, too." Then, listen, listen, listen and respond to any suggestions/gripes they may have. Doing some reflective questioning: "How would it feel to be in your place?" can be a very effective tool in stimulating compassion for one another’s situations.
Children are resilient. Sincere concern and communication can heal the nastiest of wounds. Respect and love can be the by-products of just such communication. If however, your efforts to love and reach them are rebuffed repeatedly, it will be time to get some family counseling.
I'm sure that the sisters out there with similar challenges will offer a treasure trove of helpful suggestions. I hope your load will soon lighten and you can begin to love these needy children.
Teri writes:
Dear Corrine,
I have somewhat in the way of experience in step-parenting. My husband and I have nine children. Some are mine, some are his, and one is from my second husband's first marriage. All of them are adults now. But that was not always so.
Calling a spade a spade: Your husband's children are leery of the perceived situation that Dad has someone else to tend the children so he can abandon them again. Here's my solution. It worked for me.
I am the Other Mother. No divided loyalties. I have my place in the order of the family. I am not supplanting Mom.
Your husband must step up to the plate and be the major influence and leader with his children. When they are at your home Dad will tend to their care and you will tend to the care of the younger children, which from the tone of your letter are the result of this marriage. He will play with them, he will comfort them, he will discipline them. You will be in the background washing clothes, doing dishes, playing with the other children and baking cookies. Your husband must regain their trust. His love must be reconfirmed to them. Their perception of foundation must solidify.
This process will not make miraculous changes in a day or two, but as you interact with them as a shadow in the night, they will come to love and revere you.
Time and tide move all things. All of our children love each other and all the parents. They know that there are "steps" but they don't remember which ones. Now there are 16 grandchildren who don't really act like they don't share the same genes and there are two great grandchildren soon to be added and everyone is excited that we don't have to wait for nine months to appreciate them.
Pray, lean on the strong arm of the Lord and repeat to yourself that at this moment the children are your husband's responsibility. When the day gets a little tense hum a hymn. I'll pray, too.
M. in Utah, writes:
No, I am not a step-mom but an adoptive mom and foster mom. I know to some degree what you are going through. We adopted a child at the age of 12 and our rollercoaster ride was a wild one. What I found to be of the most help was to find a good therapist for our new child, one that would listen to both sides and help find ways to make living more tolerable. We learned a lot of great coping skills. There is also a book titled I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better
Angela writes:
I too am a step-mom. I had many ups and downs with my four step-children. There are so many trials that you will face. The biggest I faced was the two separate lives and separate rules. Both parents were members but the rules were different. My children would visit every other weekend and I used to regret it. Now after 16 years they are all grown and have families of there own, and I would not trade a single moment of it. I cried myself to sleep many a night over the children. I prayed many a prayer. Then I finally realized that THEY thought I was trying to take their mother’s place. Once I realized this I sat them down (without their dad) and explained that they had a mother; I only wanted to be their friend. Now considering that they were teenagers when their Dad and I married (he is 10 years older than I), I was only seven years older than the oldest girl. This was a major problem. But, after our talk they came to realize that I didn't want to take the place of their mother, I just wanted to be there for them, things started to change. They also moved in with us permanently.
Today my children are married and have children of their own. One of my girls has a stepdaughter and calls often to tell me that she loves me and is thankful for all that I did for them. Although they did not want to see it as they were growing up, she never realized all I did. My stepchildren quickly became my children and I would not trade a single minute of our times together. With a lot of prayer and patience, you will see that in the end you only have children (you lose the "step" after a while) and it will all be worth it.
Family home evening lessons helped tremendously too. I will keep you in my prayers.
Celia writes:
I thought it would be nice for you to have a different perspective. I am not a step-parent, but I adopted an international orphan who was five at the time of adoption. My husband was 50; I was near 50. We had raised two children from infancy (also adopted). We felt very strongly impressed of the spirit to "rescue" this child; we had, we thought, no selfish motives. We simply wanted to feed a hungry child and bring her into our, what we thought was, warm, loving family circle. What a difficult thing it has been! What a learning experience! Yes, we care deeply about her; we even have grown, after almost 21 months, to love her in many ways. But we discovered that parenting/being a child is a two-way street. It's very, very hard to love someone who resists you. You have to fast and pray and then fast and pray again. You have to clean out every corner of your heart.
This little girl came not trusting women, so she immediately turned to our eldest child (a 17-year-old boy) for comfort and companionship and rejected me. That particular child was our least mature child, naturally. And, as his immature behaviors became her model, we had a lot of heartache. How that hurt! We had been warned by the agency that this could happen, but for over a year? I still don't doubt we've done the right thing, but I have two teenagers who think I'm incompetent (normal) and a six-year-old who doesn't like me and who watches my 17-year-old son and follows every cue. Get the picture? She had bonded with a foster mother in her country of origin, but she had no earlier bonding, so she has poor boundaries. For a long time she tended to want to go to anyone but me.
She resists me in little, insidious ways that beat me every time. I write all this only so you will not be hard on yourself. It's hard to be disliked by a child. It's hard not to be loved by a child whom you feel required to feed, clothe, discipline, etc. Families were not designed for divorce or older child adoption (after abandonment). They were designed for little people to grow right there with mom and dad. Those of us who have "inherited" these difficult circumstances need to stop and think about what's happening and reprogram ourselves to "give" love instead of feeling love. We need to remind ourselves constantly that these difficult children are our "neighbors," our eternal "brothers and sister,", and that love is a verb. It's hard to be the object of a child's anger. And it's hard--don't listen to anyone who hasn't been there—not to have the foundational bonding that comes from holding a baby and having that baby look up at you with adoring, trusting eyes and having that continue through until they get to the hard years.
When you skip those foundational experiences, you're going to have it rough. That's where the spiritual growth comes in. That's where you have to say: "This isn't the warm, fuzzy kind of parenting; this is just compassion, charity, Christ-like behavior"—and the carnal woman in you wants the "warm, fuzzy" parenting (I've had it with my babies, so I know it exists)—and you kick and scream and say, "Lord, this isn't fair." In your case, you might get mad at your spouse's ex-spouse or even your spouse himself, and say, "What a stupid thing you did to these children/this child." In my case, I get mad at the communist country that did this to my child. I get mad at all the bad people in the world who would abandon a child and do to that child what was done to mine. (She has rickets—was seriously malnourished!) That's why I fast a lot. That's why I pray a lot. I haven't given up on my relationship with this little "former orphan," but I've learned that the Lord knows a lot more about love than I do, and only He can help. I hope this helps you.
God bless you, because it hurts to be rejected by a child. And it hurts to watch a child suffer and feel powerless to help. I'm sorry this doesn't have a pat answer, happy ending. Life in the last days is hard. Don't beat yourself up. Turn to the Lord.
Alison says:
Celia, thank you for writing. Your insights are wonderful and necessary in such a discussion! I was adopted as a baby, as was one older brother. We never knew (nor really cared) about any other "family." (My sister, the only biological child of my parents, is the weird one!)
My parents adopted another boy (two years my senior) when he was ten. We were all sealed in the Provo temple, intending to live happily ever after. Yea, right. Even as a child, watching his behavior was mind-numbing. This little boy who, relatively speaking, had gone through a Cinderella-ashes-to-palace, Annie-orphanage-to-mansion life transformation, did nothing but undermine the foundation of his new world. No matter what we did, all he really wanted was the love of his father…his biological father, who was not only an abusive drunkard, but who had made it clear he didn't want anything to do with him or any of his brothers!
In the end, all the advantages, all the love, and even the gospel did not transform him. It did not change what had been engraved on his heart long before we met him. But still I say that, as messed up as his life may be (and it is), what he has now is better than what he would have had without my parents. They still are, to him, the only stability he has ever known. And that is a foundation even he couldn't rock.
Kathy says:
Dear Celia,
What a beautiful, powerful, honest letter. I know our stepparents are going to heave a sigh of relief reading that for some people it may be challenging to love another's child as one's own. We have to start where we are and work upward. We appreciate so much your willingness to share your experience. We knew we were only bouncing off the real issue, superficially. There is no way a natural parent can know these feelings.
Constance writes:
"Six of mine and six of yours and we will live happily ever after…"
Hmm—something does not really strike a lovely note on that refrain.
I am very frustrated at how little attention comes to hundreds if not thousands of sisters in the form of counsel to their unique situations. I have scoured church Ensigns and manuals looking and there is very little.
Women who usually walk into a situation where the husband and his children have gone through a tragedy and are holding tight to their wounds…women who have more challenges than the ordinary…who work harder and put up with more than any other mother…and they are not considered mothers.
Women like myself who have watered the pillow so much at night that I should have planted seeds so something positive and beautiful could at least have grown from my pillow!
Neither my husband nor his children have the sight to see how much they are loved…but with love comes order, discipline and many other aspects that bring families back to balance. Into this thankless task sometimes enters the ex—the other mother—the one who seems to behave as if she has all the rights and treats the mother in the home as the nanny, hired help, etc.
There are few sources of books that are written on this topic for LDS families and the blended families become "blender families"—everyone gets hurt.
The children of the spouse can become the culprits for constant discord as they look to make the "wicked stepmother fairytale" come alive. It does not matter what you say or do, you always come out wrong.
I am interested in hearing from other sisters about their experiences and what has helped them in enduring and overcoming these very painful experiences.
I will never give up on the premise of eternal families, and though our family does not seem to hold much promise, I made my temple covenants in our sealing to the Lord and only He can tell me when that covenant has no promise.
Kathy says:
Dear Constance:
A co-worker recently lived through an experience similar to yours, and expressed emotions that paralleled those you have written about. My empathy was for the kids whose lives had been so disrupted by such an essential change. I’m sure that, for children, the blending process feels like an unforgivably hostile and selfish thing for their parents to inflict on their children. So much of childish behavior that is rejecting, difficult, hateful or moody; in general uncooperative and unproductive, is just a child’s way of managing fear and rejection. They must feel that parents embroiled in the dramatic, out-of-control behavior and disruptive emotions of broken marriages are deaf and blind to the needs of their children. Are we any different as grown-ups?
That sort of thing is very easy to say when you are not involved in the day to day rudeness and surly, moping, grumpy or mean "acting out" that are so exhausting and demoralizing. We like to think we would just throw our arms around these suffering little guys and love them back to their senses. It's a very different matter I'm sure, when you have tried that hundreds of times with the same "You're not my mother" brush-off. Add to that the dismay of the husband harping that you are not showing his kids equal affection, and a biological mom who seems to spend most of her energy in licking her wounds by recruiting her kids against you and trying to engage her former husband in daily conversations and errands. It’s not a healthy haven for anybody! In fact this co-worker finally divorced a second time. It was very, very sad to witness this second failure.
I wonder if loving is easy and natural for some, but very, very difficult and challenging for others. Sometimes it seems that is the case. Maybe the ability to love is a spiritual gift that some are granted from birth or bring with them from pre-mortal life, while for others it is a matter of incredibly hard work to learn this pivotal quality of discipleship. I hope other sisters in your shoes will share their insights.
Blending Families: A Guide for Parents, Stepparents, and Everyone Building a Successful New Family
Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family
Striving for Peace: Managing Conflict in Non-Custodial Homes