The "Mommy Dearest" Confrontation
A reader asks:
How do you handle an attack from an adult child who criticizes you for the way you raised your family?
Kathy says:
First, let's keep in mind that it is common for therapists to recommend exactly that, to clients who seem to suffer from obsessive/compulsive negative self-talk that involves intense silent dialog with a disapproving or dysfunctional parent. Unfortunately, many obsessive clients who create this "negative habituation" as their emotional and mental environment, are not very aware of this activity, although it is easily brought to consciousness in therapy. You have probably heard of clients who were advised to write a letter to the person who triggered this strong negative defense mechanism, and release all the blind fury, hurt, agony, self-defeating habits and so forth, that typically result from negative habituation.
Whether or not the letter actually goes into the mail, the process of writing it helps to bring the source of the pain and self-destruction out of the subconscious or even unconscious realm into the light of day where it can be managed and, with lots of hard work and honest focus, re-trained. With that in mind, a parent who loves her kids and wants them to thrive and find joy, can sometimes welcome the "attack" as an event that is vital to her child's progress. It isn't too hard to move onward, toward a more honest dialog with the children. The kids are adults now, and have great ideas regarding what would be healthier and happier for the extended family. I think most moms can muster the courage to welcome that opportunity for their children, even if it involves some soaked pillows for a few pre-dawn sob-sessions. Most moms don't set out deliberately to mess up their kids' psyches. It can be excruciating to learn that their efforts were perceived as destructive.
But, all that having been said, there is the other side of that "therapy." Sure, we can all look to our parents for a large portion of who we are, how we "turned out," whether we were raised with lots of opportunities or were "less fortunate," in some ways. But by the time we are in our mid to late teens, we have all the resources we need to start controlling our own destinies. We just don't quite realize our own strength until we quit pouting, get out there into the jungle, and develop our survival skills. We all have them, regardless of the quality of our upbringing. It's too easy to look around ourselves and whine that others have huge trust funds that create business opportunities, and/or grew up in homes where the discipline of daily routines and high-energy work habits were drilled and practiced from birth through the family standard PhD or MD. Others never knew if, when or from whence the next meal might arrive, or if there would be electricity or a pencil for homework on any given evening. Of course it isn't "fair." Some parents do terrible, toxic things to their kids, with no idea what is going on.
Here's the third consideration: If you have been a toxic parent, you almost surely picked up the modus operandum from your own folks. This means two things: First, you can empathize with your child. You know exactly how it feels, if you will allow yourself to drift back in time and experience the emotions again, so you can relate as a child to the pain of your own grown child. Second, you can work on your own unconscious problem, right along with your kids. I think this sort of thing is an important part of "eternal progression." If "families are forever," the generations will eventually blend into a celestial community where we all contribute toward each other's salvation by working hard on our own failings and welcoming every opportunity to contribute to the well-being of those who are closest to us, and upon whom we have by far the most impact: our own kids. The "attack" you describe can be the first step. Try to welcome it as an opportunity to open a discussion that will lead the whole family unto higher ground.
Alison says:
There was a time, long, long ago in a far away land, when I actually imagines myself a decent parent. Really. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I truly felt that I was doing a reasonably acceptable job in the momma department. Then I had a teenager. And the truth was exposed in all its painful, glaring glory.
My ideal parenting model is pretty easy to understand. It's the model I learned from the late Dr. Glenn I. Latham, first at Education Week and later through his books
I have this recurring nightmare that one or more of my children will show up on the year 2035 equivalent of Oprah (which may well be...Oprah) to tell the world what a horrid witch I was. There will sit 85+-year-old white-haired Ms. Winfrey, full of compassion and empathy (only because she knows that she is not at the same risk) for the wrongs heaped upon my child(ren). The "rest of the story" will be broadcast nationwide and syndicated around the globe and any remaining tatters of my reputation will be in ruins.
On the other hand, I have an outside chance that my own children—injured though they are—will take the route I took with my own parents. The older I got, the wiser my parents became (OK, once I passed out of my teens). The more children I had, the more I realized that my parents had done remarkably well given the circumstances and I actually came to honor them.
There is hope. Not much, but enough that I hang onto it with white-knuckled resistance. Anything is possible.
Roy Fuller writes:
I too have had children come home and remind me of how I failed them, even though I did the best I could with the knowledge and experience I had at the time.
An older friend and mentor of mine told me not to take offense to what my adult children were saying. She said that the adult children were trying to evaluate how they would have wanted to live their own lives. That helps, but it still hurts.
I also know that I did the same thing to my own mother. But now that I have adult children of my own, I see my mother in an entirely different light. I empathize with her. I realize that she did the best she could. And isn't that all we can ask?
Alison says:
Sometime in my early 20's I had a conversation with my mother. I carefully explained my child-rearing plans to her that included, among other things, giving my children much more autonomy and many more choices. That would, I was sure, keep them from being forced to push the limits and rebel agains authority, as I had done.
Honestly, I was sure that my mother's reaction would be one of admiration and joy. "My! How insightful and intelligent my daughter is! She has analyzed our methods and discarded those that she has found to be utterly useless! If only her father and I had been so wise!"
What I got, instead, was a slightly hurt expression and a quiet, "Oh." In my immaturity I still did not see my parent's as real human beings, doing their best in difficult circumstances. And in truth, I probably still don't quite get it. But I am mature enough to realize that they did a much better job of than I am doing!
Kathy says:
Yes; I think the "therapy" of confronting your parents with the harm you feel they have done is less stylish now. Why is it OK for us to go make them feel awful in order to try to make ourselves feel better? I'm not sure it was ever a terrific idea. Sure, we need to learn to captain our own ship and not allow others to engage us in angry or negative dynamics. Some really toxic parents have to simply be kept at arm's length in order to manage our present situations. But I think we all, sooner or later, need to (and will tend to) look at our parents with fondness and empathy, regardless of the mistakes they made. By the time we have adult kids of our own, we begin to recognize that we, too, did things we regret.
I'm glad you read and responded to this issue. I think it is terribly painful for some of our readers, and our goal is to shed a bit of light on it, hoping it will help our brothers and sisters to realize that it's NOT an unusual phenomenon.
Carole Davis writes:
Yes, I have found that I was not a perfect parent.
I have learned, however, through many workshops, etc., that I did my best at the time. I have more knowledge and maturity now. The most important thing is prayer, constantly!
The second most important thing is that my children are now adults. They can chooseto learn more on their own now, just as I have done. We all make mistakes, we all learn more as we grow older with experience, hopefully. It is now their choice to do so, or, as the case may be, to stay in ignorance. Hopefully, they choose, as adults, to learn and grow in all areas of their lives. Most important is that they choose to go to our loving Heavenly Father and ask for guidance, listen to the answers, and act upon the guidance.
Parenting: Everything to Do with the Heart
Parenting With Love: Making a Difference in a Day
The Power of Positive Parenting: A Wonderful Way to Raise Children
The Sacred Responsibilities of Parenthood
What's a Parent to Do?: Solving Family Problems in a Christlike Way