The Letter of the In-Law

By Kathy Green, Jeannie Vincent, and Alison Moore Smith

Send a question or comment to the Circle of Sisters

Sarah from Grand Rapids, Michigan, writes:

I am a mother-in-law thrice over. My relationship with my son-in-law seems to be fine, but my relationship with both my daughters-in-law leaves much to be desired. Knowing that I cannot change others, how can I—living within a gospel perspective—become a better mother-in-law?

Marcia writes:

I was just wondering when your article on mother-in-laws will be coming out. I am very interested in this because I want to be a good mother-in-law. Thank you.

Alison says:

So often, too often I think, questions are asked in order to motivate others to "shape up" or justify ourselves in being annoyed by another's actions. Instead, you have asked how you can change yourself to benefit your family. Frankly, I would guess character of that sort places you squarely in the "great mother-in-law" category already.

In order to answer this question I decided to look to a bright and articulate group of daughters-in-law for assistance in answering this question. I am happy to report that the vast majority of these women have a pleasant relationship with their mother-in-law and the ideas they shared were in the positive. In other words, few said, "I wish my mother-in-law would stop ___________." Rather, most of the said, "I love the fact that my mother-in-law ________________."

Great thanks are owed to the women from two email lists that I belong to. First, the LDSCN Young Women list and, second, to the Utah Homeschool list. Their insight has been invaluable and credit for any really helpful answers must go to them.

Before I get to their sage advice, however, let me share an incident that happened to me just this morning. I have had the great blessing of being extended a calling to serve with a woman who is extremely wise and wonderful, named Linda Boyd. Every time I have spoken with her, I have learned something valuable. One of her sons, with three children from a previous marriage, recently remarried a woman, also with three children from a previous marriage. When Linda—the new mother-in-law—introduced me to her new daughter-in-law she spoke very kindly of her. But today, when her daughter-in-law was nowhere in sight, she spoke of her in even more glowing terms than when the daughter-on-law had been in our company.

What a blessing to have a mother-in-law who, both in front of your face as well as behind your back, behaves as if you are the best thing that ever happened to her son! I hope to remember that wisdom when my I begin to feel like I am losing my son to a wife!

Traits of a Great Mother-in-law According to a Whole Bunch of Really Awesome Daughters-in-law:

She does not speak poorly of me, my children, my side of the family, my parenting, my home, my housekeeping skills, my grammar, my hobbies, my religiosity, my weight, my hair, my yard, my feelings, my attitude, my temper, our family rules, etc., etc., etc., to anyone else…not even under the guise of "concern" or "help." In other words, she doesn't gossip about me—especially to other family members. She knows that if she did, it would always get back to me (even from her most "trusted" family confidante) and she knows that it only harms the family.
She spends time getting to personally know her grandchildren, in person if possible, but by phone or in writing if not.
She does not spend our time together complaining about: her ward members, her husband, her health, or her other daughters-in-law!
She either remembers all of the grandchildren's birthdays and milestones or none of them, realizing that if one child gets a gift and another doesn't, it is hard for them to understand why and they feel very hurt.
She realizes that gifts or acknowledgements need not be extravagant. Just knowing that you remembered with a card or call is plenty (as long as the remembrance is similar to those given to other siblings).
She is tactfully up front about her ability/willingness to help with baby sitting the grandchildren and doesn't expect me to read her mind.
She does not share our private conversations with others.
She does not share personal and/or embarrassing experiences that she happened to witness while a guest at our home.
She gives her new daughter-in-law some choices of how to address her, realizing that waiting to catch her eye before speaking or saying "hey, you" are poor excuses for using someone's name.
She treats me like a daughter, if she can. But at very least, she doesn't treat me like an interloper or like "the evil girl who stole my precious son."
She invites me along to socialize with her and her daughters.
She tells my husband (her son) that he is lucky to have found me.
She doesn't blame me when my husband (her son) says or does something she doesn't like.
She looks for reasons to sincerely compliment me.
She sets appropriate boundaries for herself.
She doesn't give advice unless I ask for it. She keeps her opinions about me and my actions to herself.
She respects our right to parent as we see fit. She doesn't undermine our authority and asks if she is unsure about the appropriateness of a gift, activity, conversation, etc.
She is loving and supportive.
She doesn't assume that she is welcome to "visit" our home whenever and for however long she chooses.
If she would like to visit, she asks if it is convenient. If it isn't, she doesn't get angry, hurt, huffy, or tell the rest of the family that we don't treat her well.
When a guest in our home: She doesn't expect to be entertained every minute or waited on hand and foot. She helps with cooking and cleanup. She doesn't take over as if I'm incompetent, but assumes that she will help and asks how she can be most helpful. She doesn't expect us to pay her share for every dinner, event, and activity that she wants to attend. She offers to take us out to eat occasionally during her visit (or picks up hamburgers or pizza, or offers to cook a meal or two).
She doesn't try to compete with me to be her son's first priority, realizing that any man who would choose his mother over his wife isn't worth having.
She doesn't complain…even if justified. We know when we mess up royally, and her patience makes her look like a queen.

Kathy says:

Sarah and Marcia, thanks for asking. This is one of those discussions that can be guided by focusing on that which is familiar, and developing conclusions from our hearts and the promptings of the Spirit. All of our married sisters have at least one mother-in-law. Our single sisters probably have a favorite, among the moms of their siblings' and friends' spouses. We can always remove ourselves a baby-step to the underlying principle that a righteous woman is going to be a good mother-in-law by default.

This discussion is a little more fun than that, though because there is so much lore, and such powerful literary conventions, for the meddlesome mother-in-law who inspires cliches and jokes and strikes horror into the hearts of married couples everywhere.

Thinking as an "advice columnist" and also noticing that our most famous advice mavens are now embroiled in some interesting family dynamics, I am remembering that a large percentage of Abby's and Ann's readers wrote about mother-in-law issues. It must be a pretty big deal. I will have to admit I have been a little bit intimidated by the moms of all my "boyfriends," from grade school upward. Some were terrifying. Why? I'm sure they were all perfectly normal, nice ladies. What was my problem?

My dad has said, "to state the problem is to suggest the solution." Can we define the problem? There are a cluster of conventional answers. The girl is sure her boyfriend's mom disapproves of her. She can't be good enough for Momma's Boy, the beloved son who is now paying more attention to some strange young lady than to his mom, who used to be the only woman in his life. Is the jealousy real, or just assumed? Jealousy is proscribed by scripture, and it doesn't take a scriptorian to see why our Father in Heaven has given us ample written guidance regarding this vice.

As if that were not enough, what about the reverse side of that concern? What if the young man cites his mom as the only woman on earth who knows how to cook things appropriately, do the laundry the way it should be done, diagnose common diseases accurately, or discipline children effectively? The young lady might wonder if there is room for another viewpoint, or if she is, perhaps, an expendable redundancy in her young man's life. This thought process is not likely to lead to affectionate relations between the generations of women.

We've barely warmed to our topic. What about mothers-in-law who are openly critical and say negative things to our faces or behind our backs? Now we can return to our first premise. Kind people do not make unkind, damaging remarks about anybody, either directly or via the grapevine. It's not even a mother-in-law issue. But it takes on monstrous proportions when it impacts this relationship, which seems to be especially vulnerable by its nature.

The solution is simple. Never, never, never say anything negative. Period. Does that sound easy? It is for me, because I have incredibly wonderful daughters-in-law and an awesome prince of a son-in-law. Would I be careful and self-disciplined enough to follow my own advice if I had kids-in-law who were a little harder to love? I can only hope I could see clearly enough, past the forty-foot beams in my own eyes, to enjoy loving and celebrating these new arrivals with all my heart.

I think the "meddlesome" piece of the puzzle is much more complicated. At what point does the universal cop-out, "I was only trying to help" lose its credibility? Generous mothers-in-law might actually be crippling the marriage by being far too much a part of it. In this regard, the mom-in-law relationship is like any other. Some people need far more distance than others. A daughter-in-law who likes to run her own program and prefers to keep the tribe at arm's length most of the time is likely to have issues with a family that drops in unannounced and shares emotional intimacies on a level that seems intrusive and inappropriate to her. This girl might seem strangely "stand-offish" to her new family members. A son-in-law who was raised to pay his own way will possibly be very hurt and puzzled by a new group of relatives who like to shower him, his wife and his children with money and gifts as a means of expressing their affection. Don't they think his income is adequate?

This doesn't even touch on the smaller issues. Mom does not allow the kids to eat garbage. Grandma stuffs them full of potato chips and candy bars and puts pop in the baby's bottle. Dad is a pacifist and animal lover, and Grandpa gives his boy a hunting rifle for his fourteenth birthday. It's going to take some very Christian, careful, thoughtful negotiating to resolve this sort of thing without trashing precious relationships.

If I have stated the problem with any clarity at all, I think I will have answered my own question by reminding myself to feel how these episodes must feel, on both sides. Probably the intentions were completely benevolent, or at least the mistakes were caused by weaknesses and patterns that are hard to overcome. We need more love, not less. We need more dialog, not less. We need to foster and nurture and champion our family relationships—not to hide from or shun or avoid them. I think this is an area where spiritual gifts are conspicuous. Some people are very good at relationships. Others have to work really hard at them. It's an area where those who are gifted can serve as valued role models. Going back to the beginning, think of the mother-in-law you most admire. Can you be more like her? Remember the hurtful things that didn't work. Can you be more careful to avoid similar mistakes?

I have been blessed by exceptional examples of the former, and I have been personally culpable for some really retarded whoppers as examples of the latter. I'd sure like to say "yes" to both questions.

Jeannie says:

Just about any and everything I know about parenting or "mother-in-lawing," came from one of my best friends. This friendship has spanned nearly 4 decades. With the passing of each year and opening of each chapter of my life, the wisdom of her words and the strength of her example continue to astound me.

Kathy's and Alison's contributions on this subject are so articulate and thorough that there are few words I could add without being redundant. So, instead of toting out my bag of advice, I would like to pay tribute to one of my best friends: my mother-in-law, Lillie Vincent.

She'll be absolutely mortified that I have chosen to "expose" her goodness. That should tell you something about her character. In total concert with Alison's and Kathy's comments, my mother-in-law exemplified the suggested role models. No kidding. I went through the check-list and just kept thinking, "Yep, she's just about perfect and I have been the fortunate recipient of that perfection."

My birth family was, and is, struggling with some very heavy issues. Many times, their actions would leave me broken and confused. She has been a literal "lighthouse." Lillie was "there"—not in the contemporary, overused sense of the word—but as a quietly constant force and beacon. I wouldn't attempt to count the times her concern and empathy have rescued me from total despair.

She really loved me in that profound, unconditional way that a mother loves her own child. I look back and wonder how in the world she could have been so tolerant of my grand-scale blunders as a girlfriend, new wife, and inexperienced (if not downright stupid) first-time mother. She never spoke a word of criticism or a harsh word and never did she put my actions under a microscope. We have giggled into the night, shared secrets and sodas, tears and heartache. She has shown interest in every phase of my life (not just my "married" life) and cared enough to call when she knew I needed help. No question was "too dumb," no hour was "too late," no problem "too complicated." I know at times I must have annoyed her. She probably had holes in her tongue from biting so hard. She never let on.

Each of my children has known her goodness. Although nearly ten thousand miles separated us for 15 years, she took an active part in their lives. She never missed a birth, birthday, baptism, graduation, or wedding. If she couldn't be there in person, a letter marking the red-letter day would be waiting. Without exception, at every crossroad of motherhood, I have asked myself what my mother-in-law would do, were she in my position. The effects of her subtle influence on my decisions have had unmistakably positive results on my children and grandchildren. To this day, there is virtually no one with whom I'd rather be than Lillie.

I now have three lovely and unique daughters-in-law and one problem. How in the world am I going to fill the shoes my own mother-in-law has worn? How can I ever hope to measure up? I still ask myself nearly every day: "What would Lillie do?"

As I reflect on those 4 decades and try in vain to number the blessings received at her hand, it is clear to me that I am one of the lucky few. I can read the story of Ruth and understand that level of devotion because I have experienced it. Thank you dear Lillie.

Alison says:

Oh, my goodness. Jeannie, you are truly blessed…and so is Lillie, for having a daughter-in-law who recognizes her goodness!

Rachel Snyder writes:

Remember

Remember that beneath the labels of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, are simply two women brought together in the name of love. Remember the excitement, the nervousness, the trepidation you once felt as a new bride or a new mother? Remember that just like you, your mother-in-law felt those very same feelings at some point in her life. Remember to accept and love unconditionally the woman in front of you as well as the woman in the mirror.

Remember that your mother-in-law carries with her a wealth of experience and wisdom; yet hold fast to the knowledge that you are a different woman in a different time, living a life that is yours alone.

Remember that all you really ever have is your own experience, and sometimes it serves you well to release any attachment to what others may tell you about theirs. Come to understand and always remember the difference between judgment and discernment.

Remember to speak from your heart at least as often as you speak from your head. Remember compassion. Remember your own boundaries as a wife, a mother, a woman, and a human being.

If you've forgotten them or never knew them, begin creating some today. This goes for both mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Setting your own healthy boundaries can sometimes threaten others who have none of their own. Can you remember to stay centered even in the face of what might appear as an unkind word or gesture? Can you remember to forgive?

Remember that every family is a living, breathing organism unto itself, and be prepared to change and grow through an unending series of cycles large and small. Remember when you first learned to dance with a new partner? Feet were stepped on now and then. You stumbled. Your partner stumbled. Yet eventually, you gained a sense of confidence and grace. Remember that every relationship is a dance. Remember what your own mother may have told you about her relationships with her in-laws, and remember that you can create new family patterns. When conflict arises (and it invariably will) don't forget to take a good look at yourself. Remember to ask: Which of this is truly mine to own, and which is not?

Above all, remember this: When it comes to mothers-in-law, there are no laws. If there ever were, you can be certain that they've already been broken. So lighten up. Whatever pieces remain are yours to refashion into a glorious mosaic of two loving women who just happen to be joined "in law."

Cindy from Mansfield, Ohio, writes:

What a call to change this article was to me! What have I been doing? I had never before admitted that I had put myself into competition with one daughter-in-law in particular. She married my oldest child who has always been the pride and joy of our lives. I don't think anyone would have been "good enough" for him. And since he was "perfect," if he ever did anything I didn't like, I knew it had to be because of her influence. (It certainly couldn't be because of the way I raised him!)

I have been particularly guilty of saying unflattering things about her; never to her face, but to others, particularly to my daughters and my other daughters-in-law. Now usually they were "true" unflattering things, or at least true from my perspective. But does that excuse my "story-telling"? I suppose I felt that if I made her look bad, I could retain a more prominent position in my son's life. I know that is a silly notion, but I honestly think that is how I felt.

I only hope that I can repair the damage I have done over the past many years. I don't know if I have the will or humility to admit to her face what I now realize. But I can try to treat her differently and hope she can view me as a different person.

Thank you for the ideas. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Kathy says:

Cindy, what a courageous letter! We will all be worthy to be called saints when we can adopt your humility and determination to mend our ways. Thanks for your contribution to our lives. We wanted your letter to be our lead into this week's discussion.

An anonymous sister writes:

As I read the Circle of Sisters today, I wept buckets of bitter tears. Especially when I read the list of traits a mother-in-law should have. You have described a perfect person. I am not perfect. I have tried very hard and was just sure I would be a great mother-in-law. I would not offer advice, I would not meddle, I would be helpful and loving and complimentary. I was stunned to find that my help was not wanted, and my compliments were considered to be manipulative. I was "too excited" about the upcoming birth of my first grandchild. I have been criticized at every turn. My friends also have experienced this. It is so hard as I have always had lots of friends, have had leadership responsibility in the church, and have been the first person people would call for advice. How could I be such a terrible person to my daughter-in-law when I was viewed so differently by others? I am just one person and the same person. An imperfect person.

The expectations for how a mother-in-law should behave are so high that no human could ever reach them. Just writing this makes me nervous, as what mother-in-law would ever dare to admit out loud to anyone that her daughter-in-law is just a bit hard to get along with? That is a definite no-no according to the list. How about some real, concrete suggestions about how to deal with very difficult circumstances? The first being that mothers-in-law are treated worse by society as a whole than any other group. I have seen women treat perfect strangers with more compassion and patience than their own mothers-in-law. It is as if we are expected to be the perfect mother-in-law with no training or practice.

My mother-in-law is a nice woman. She is not perfect. She has said things that hurt my feelings. She has made mistakes. But I would never tell her about it. She didn't do it on purpose to hurt me. I, on the other hand, am told of every imperfection. This relationship has been the most difficult challenge of my entire life. It has also been the most painful. It is getting better. I can see mistakes I have made and am trying to improve. But some wounds are so deep it is hard to heal. How about a list for daughters-in-law?

Just sign me "I could be anyone's mother in law."

Alison says:

Dear sister, I am so very grateful that you made the effort to write to us. This is a much needed perspective. You are absolutely right, of course, that no one should be expected to be perfect! And perhaps this is a cultural expectation that needs to be addressed. I think the "daughter-in-law list" is a great idea!

Please realize that the "list" wasn't meant as a "To Do List." When I asked the question of my list friends, in most all cases they said, "I love the fact that my mother-in-law always sends a card for the children's birthdays." or "My mother-in-law always says the nicest things about me and often I hear about them 'through the grapevine.'" or "My mother-in-law really thought home schooling was weird, but she read up on it anyway and has been very supportive and helpful." or "When my mother-in-law comes to visit she always spends time one-on-one with the children, asking about their interests and activities."

That doesn't mean that you have to do everything suggested in order to be a decent mother-in-law, but it may give you some idea of what character traits and/or behaviors were most appreciated and most meaningful to your daughters-in-law.

For the record, the behavior most often stated in an extremely positive way was when a mother-in-law spoke highly of the daughter-in-law to the son/husband. I find that very telling. It evidences the fact that the wife recognizes the strong influence the mother still has and how much she appreciates the mother positively directing her son back to the wife (and we all know that's where he should be cleaving). That seems to have a strong tendency to influence the daughter-in-law to see the mother-in-law as an ally, rather than an adversary—and that change in perspective tends to create a strong positive bond between the women.

Kathy says:

To our anonymous reader who wept as she read:

I can't tell you how glad I am that you had the courage to write. I'm sure there will be a number of women who will weep along with you and be cheered to know they're not the only ones who have been demonized by their married kids. That is just so weird! As you said, you have this wonderful vision of how cool it will be, and you try so hard and think of yourself as a pretty darned good kid, then bam!!! Suddenly you are a monster. Where did that come from?????

Sometimes a negative evaluation is far more an indication of the person doing the criticizing than of the person who is on the hot seat. I think generous people see everyone as a nice person, and sometimes hostile people or people with a lot of strange programs whizzing around in their heads, tend to think of almost everyone as an enemy. It might not have anything at all to do with your behavior or personality. It would be fun to have everyone analyzed, huh? Come to think of it, there are, actually, some pretty fun relational tests that show where the conflicts are and give suggestions on how to unravel the snarls. We (My parents-in-law and our family) did the "color" test from the Taylor Hartmann's book, The Color Code: A New Way to See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life. (He and his wife are LDS psychoanalysts.) We just did it for fun, but it was very informative. I don't know if you could sell your kids on an adventure such as that. They might just see it as another attack. Ouch!! "Difficult" people are such a challenge!!!

Alison says:

He has written a follow-up book that may be of interest. It is titled, Color Your Future: Using the Character Code to Enhance Your Life.

Jeannie says:

Dear Anonymous:

I think you have come up with a great follow-up to the mother-in-law column. We need to hear from the other vantage point.

Our suggestions were in no way meant to be a source of grief or punishment. We are dealing with the "ideal" and realize that for any ideal to become a reality, there must be a true meeting of minds and purposes. Willingness to converse and compromise are indispensable and it becomes very difficult when both are not working to improve the relationship. Have you actually sat down with her and told her how you felt under the microscope of her criticism? Is there some truth in the things she says? Was her own mother hypercritical? How does your son react to this criticism?

Experience has shown me time and again, that honesty (and, golly, it hurts sometimes) is the only way for any healing to begin. It is so easy to become defensive, especially when we have been injured repeatedly. It takes courage and a great deal of humility to open a potentially gut-wrenching conversation, but if you do it with the Lord's Spirit and a feeling of love and concern for your collective welfare, I can't help but think that improvement will follow.

Thank you so much for sharing your difficult situation with us.

An anonymous sister writes:

Hello Circle! I thought we had lost you. I missed my weekly "fix" for more than a month. Welcome back! What a great topic. How I wish my mother-in-law cared enough to ask this question. I had better say no more. Jeannie, how I envy you! You are so incredibly blessed.

Keep up the good work, sisters.

Alison says:

This is a generic comment intended for all of us to think about together. Proofing my work, my husband reminded me of the position I have often taken in discussions of multigenerational parenting, and he is right. This column is exactly the right forum to bring it up again.

In the past few decades I have noticed what, I believe, is a harmful practice among married couples—particularly newlyweds. When something goes wrong between the couple, or there are hurt feelings, one of the spouses runs to mommy and/or daddy to complain about how they were wronged and to get someone to confirm and justify their anger at their spouse. I'm not talking about spousal abuse or criminal activity, I'm talking about toilet seats left up, socks on the floor, conflicts over family traditions and practices, and the like. Normal, every day, run-of-the-mill disagreements.

After the spouse complains to the parents, the parents become filled with "righteous indignation" over how some little snit could ever be so cruel to their darling, perfect child. Meanwhile, their child goes back home, kisses and makes up with their spouse, and everything is as is should be…except that the parents now are boiling mad at their son/daughter-in-law.

This kind of spousal tattling is no good for a marriage and I have, in fact, seen couples divorce after following such a pattern repeatedly. So, to add to my list of in-law advice, I would say that if your son comes home and begins to complain to you about his wife you should tell him his private quarrels are none of your business. Refuse to gossip about your daughter-in-law (even with him), tell him he needs to prayerfully work out his marital differences, and send him back home to his wife. She will bless you for it.

Additional Resources:

Annie's "Mother in Law's Day" Page

Annie's Home Page

Honor They Father and Thy Mother

Dallin H. Oaks

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

Susan Forward