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I have been hit with a huge case of writer's block. I have been completely at a loss as to what to write. What little comes to mind does not formulate enough to even make it to the rough draft stage of an article. But I need to get back to writing at MM. So here's my best attempt.
How does one remain flexible within one's own circumstances and comfort zones? How does one keep one's “rubberband” from breaking? Does it help to know one isn't alone in one's efforts to stretch without snapping?
Moving, and adjusting, and re-assembling one's life is painful. The transition, as expected, takes time and effort and persistence. However, just when I think I am finally feeling comfortable, I get hit with another bout of feeling isolated, lonely, forgotten, troubled. I am frustrated that it is taking me and some of my daughters so long to adjust. This process takes formidable effort for us. It is exhausting. (We are nearly 5 months into the typical “give it a year” time frame… I know, I know. I need to be more patient!)
I am a creature of habit and comfort zones. I am not a thrill-seeker. I crave stability and continuity… almost as much as I crave chocolate! I love an impromptu game night with friends or an unexpected date with Ray or such things, but when it comes to major situations in life, please give me consistency and predictability. I promise I function much better and can do anything required when I am emotionally at my peak.
I have not been at my peak for over six months. It's an uncomfortable place to be. My comfort zones are being stretched. I envision a rubberband being stretched and stretched. And then stretched some more. My personal rubberband is pretty taut! For a while I thought it would break.
It hasn't. It won't.
But I can't deny the wish for a short time to relax the tension in my rubberband.
This is what I'm discovering: Prayers, scriptures, discussions, et. al. are only a beginning. In order to have a change of mind, a change of heart, one must first accept where one is or what one's situation is. There are things one can change, and other things that one can't. I am learning (yet again) to accept what can't be changed and move on. I am discovering how important it is to “let it go.”
I am learning to focus on what I can do. I can control my attitude. I can form new friendships without losing the old ones. I can accept the love and respect of people here, and offer it in return. I can watch my tone and words so as not to appear derogatory toward our new location. I can cry on my husband's shoulder when I need to, without recrimination. I can get up each day determined to continue to work through the process of adjusting. I can find joy in the small incremental changes I witness within myself. I can be grateful that there are blessings to be discovered in each day. I can be happy with the little things in life.
These days my comfort zone looks different than it previously did. I am slowly coming to terms with the changes. I'm grateful that I am not alone as I navigate this time of stretching. I am hopeful that one day I will look back and appreciate the growth and the beauty of my expanded personal rubberband zone.
Alison Moore Smith is a 61-year-old entrepreneur who graduated from BYU in 1987. She has been (very happily) married to Samuel M. Smith for 40 years. They are parents of six incredible children and grandparents to two astounding grandsons. She is the author of The 7 Success Habits of Homeschoolers.
Michelle, if that’s how you sound with writer’s block, you should hope it continues!
Brilliant.
I’m not sure how to articulate this, but I’ll try. I think “comfort zones” are fluid, rather than fixed. I think that in almost all arenas our so-called “comfort zones” are just a reflection of the things we have done so often as to be able to do them without freaking out and/or without utterly fumbling through them. I don’t think it’s so much a question of “when can I get back to my comfort zone” but of “when can what I need to be doing now become PART of my comfort zone.”
Thing is, we don’t grow very much just doing things we are really comfortable doing!
Sharlene Wells wrote a very good book on this a few years back, titled Kissing a Frog: Four Steps to Finding Comfort Outside Your Comfort Zone. I highly recommend it. It looks like you can get a copy these days for just a few dollars.
Yes ! Yes! I liked this. So many things are out there just waiting to become part of our comfort zones. But you’re right Michelle, the stretching can be dificult, uncomfortable. I hate that awkward inbetween feeling. Like trying to do yoga and pilates and it hurts in all the wrong places and you know you’re just not doing it right. But persistence! And you get it in the end. Or something like that. ANyway, great article.
Michelle i really love this article. I think I know how you feel and sometimes stretching feels like its’ going to break. I do think we get stronger with the stretching though instead of weaker like a rubber band.
Hang in there with your move. You’ll get stronger and then more comfortable!
Oh I read that book. Isn’t that the Mormon Miss America? IT was a really good book.
michle i dont even know what my comfort zone is anymore. it seems like one thing hits and then another before i recover from the last. its like drowning in waves and never getting to shore. hope you can get used to your new city.
Thanks for this great post, Michelle! As someone who has lived in 10 different states and various cities within states, my heart goes out to you and I can empathize with the pain of transition. It can be so exhausting to tend to all the demands of transition (especially when children are transitioning too) and the whole family can feel “at loose ends”. Add the discomfort (oh, the painful discomfort) of unfamiliarity into the mix of the normal struggles of daily living and it can become overwhelming FAST! The best advice I have ever received is to make sure I am doing something every day that makes me happy…even if just for 5-10-15 minutes. Those are some of the first things to disappear from our lives when we get into a stressful situation and they are what we need most! Hugs to you and your family!
Thanks, everyone.
Alison, this part of your comment is a lightning bolt for me:
Wow… A comfort zone being fluid… That gives me an entirely new perspective; one that will help me on an ongoing basis!
Oregonian, I understand the feeling of drowning under pounding waves that never let up.
A few years ago I had an epiphany that helped my perspective…once I got over the shock that immobilized me in my steps. I used to say I was drowning. And then I realized that I wasn’t drowning, because I was always somehow able to come back up to the surface. The epiphany was that rather than drowning, I was treading water. Whew. At least I was keeping my head above the surface most of the time. And then I realized the debilitating ramifications of that – if I was treading water, I was expending a TON of effort but GOING nowhere. It was demoralizing until I came to terms with that in the circumstances in my life.
Honestly, the only way I know how to get through my challenges is to try to take a deep breath and face each day in minute increments. Enduring to the end can seem so daunting. My mantra is Endure Well Enough For Now. And some days, “now” is only an hour, or a minute, or even a second at a time. If I make it through that hard second, then I am enduring! And I try to give myself a pat on the back for succeeding with that one second and determine to try for another one! (Some days I make it, and other days it is hard to make it through even one second…)
Julie, I grew up in the same house from age 4-20. Since my marriage, we have lived in 5 states and 9 apartments/homes. I am astounded, still, by the depth and breadth of our adjustment this time – after 10 years in one home and 12 years in the same city. We were Home. And then we were uprooted. I understand many of the reasons, but it’s still a painful process!
Thanks for the support, friends!
Just counted. When we move into the new house it will be the 12th place we’ve lived since we married. That averages a move every two years. And, strangely, it never seemed we were THAT transient. :/
Still, want this next move to be the LAST.
Just counted. When we move into the new house it will be the 12th place we’ve lived since we married. That averages a move every two years. And, strangely, it never seemed we were THAT transient. :/
Still, want this next move to be the LAST.
When you don’t move for nine years but are in eight different wards and two different stakes in the course of that time— you might be in Utah.
Daisy, :bigsmile: :shocked: 😉 :bigsmile:
lol daisy! So true. My husband and I lived in a home near the Mt. Timpanogos temple, on property that had been in my mom’s family for 60 years. The whole time she lived there, it was the “Manila ward”…and remained that way until the temple was announced and things boomed. When we lived there (2000-2006) we were in 3 different wards and 2 different stakes while never moving. We lived near a corner, and across the street one way was a different ward, and across the street the other way was not only a different ward but also a different stake. It was a crazy time. The ward we were in has split again since we left.
I think that is the most exciting thing in the world – clear evidence of the church spreading to fill the world! Even though this may seem like a UT phenomenon, it is not! Many of the members of our ward and stake who have lived in Kansas City for a long time will tell the same story. We have some members who can remember when our building was built (in 1950-ish, I think) and it was the first building in the area – – now people joke about how many times they have switched wards since, while living in the same place. I am *so* excited to see this happen again as we prepare for our temple in KC!!!
Jenny, hooray for a temple in KC! I’m sure the excitement hasn’t eased since it was announced.
There are members in our former ward in OH who remember when there were just 2 or 3 wards in the Cincinnati area… They physically helped build the meetinghouse where we attended church. They went to SLC to be sealed because that was the closest temple. There are now 3 stakes, and a temple 2 hours north in Columbus and a temple 2 hours south in Louisville. These long-time members remember the joy of the building of the DC temple, the Chicago temple, and the Columbus temple. They continue to pray for a temple in Cincy. (We know they will eventually get one, because we have moved. Seems everywhere we’ve lived has eventually received the blessing of a closer temple… once we’ve moved away! lol)
The growth of the church is amazing, regardless of where it is happening!