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Ode For The Single Sister

Written by request. Set to the tune of “Put Your Shoulder To The Wheel

The church has need of single men
Above age thirty-two
Who have good jobs
And are not slobs
Put your bottom in a pew

Chorus:
We have single sisters here by the dozens
Who are praying they can find righteous husbands
You must have work, can’t be a jerk
Put your bottom in a pew

The church has need of single men
Whose hearts are pure and true
Who open doors
And do their chores
Put your bottom in a pew

Chorus:
We have single sisters here by the dozens
Who are praying they can find righteous husbands
Who keep their vows, and will not browse
Put your bottom in a pew

The church has need of single men
Whose foibles are but few
Home teacher true
Tithe-payer too
Put your bottom in a pew

Chorus:
We have single sisters here by the dozens
Who are praying they can find righteous husbands
Must be ordained, and not arraigned
Put your bottom in a pew

So don’t stand idly looking on
The path to bliss is true
She waits for you
This is your cue
Put your bottom in a pew

chorus:
We have single sisters here by the dozens
Who are praying the can find righteous husbands
Must treat her right, both day and night
Put your bottom in a pew

Tracy L. Keeney

{ 12 comments… add one }

  • jennycherie July 20, 2007, 9:42 am

    very funny! do you think this would be appropriate for Sacrament meeting??:wink:

  • Melinda July 20, 2007, 10:10 am

    That was great! My DH and I met and married at age 33. I was beginning to think I was going to end up with a divorced man at least 15 years my senior, based on the type of men I was dating. So it was a relief to find a man my own age who had also never married (nothing against divorced men, but I didn’t think I had what it takes to be a stepmom) and had been active in the Church his whole life. His issue that kept him single so long? He was so painfully shy that the more he liked a girl the less he could talk to her. I had recently quit being ladylike about trying to date by waiting for men to notice me and was simply buttonholing men and saying, “if you ask me out, I’ll say yes.” I discovered that women who know how to flirt can get this point across non-verbally. Not being gifted that way, I resorted to bald statements. Literally, I was saying that to just about any man who didn’t creep me out.

    DH heard me relate a story about how I said that to a guy who subsequently stood me up and said he wished he could meet women that forward. I sure wasn’t going to pass up that! So I told him I’d say yes if he asked me out. We got engaged two months after our first date. He is such a kind, gentle man. Lucky for me none of the women in his singles ward were as forward as I was. He’s told me about his crushes in the ward, and how he actually worked up the nerve to ask a couple women out. But then it would just be buddy-type friendship because he didn’t dare even hold hands. I held his hand first, too. After that, he took the lead in the relationship, which was really nice. I didn’t want to feel like I was in charge. I later pointed out that I chased him and chased him until he caught me. He blinked, processed what I’d said, and then agreed.

    Anyway, I agree there is a dearth of good active single men. I also think it is partly the Church’s fault. Single women get praised and told that no blessing will be denied in the hereafter and we’re all mothers anyway. Men get told they’re selfish and they’d better go get married, as if it were that easy! I’d quit going to Church too if I was going to be browbeaten about a subject that was already pretty painful. My DH has a few choice words for lectures like that. He hated them and it made him angry when married men assumed they knew exactly why he was still single. He very much wanted to be married. He wasn’t selfish – he was shy. And now he’s the best husband I could have asked for.

    I wonder what would happen if the rhetoric towards single men changed from accusing them of being unrighteous slackers to encouraging them to fulfill their potential, be happy while single, and keep looking forward for the chance to marry in the Lord’s time.

  • agardner July 20, 2007, 11:16 am

    Very cute, Tracy! I was a bit older when I married and can relate to this (although not in my 30′s quite yet). Oh, the drama!

    By the way Melinda, my situation was very similar as yours. My husband, while confident in other areas, was SO SHY with girls. He had a group of girl “friends” he hung out with but never really could get much going in the romance department because he was just so shy.

    The story of how we finally ended up together is kind of funny. He was the EQ president and I was in the RS presidency in our ward, so we knew each other. Also sang together in the choir. But as far as I knew, no romantic interest. I was dating a bunch of different guys at the time, and he was always hanging with this group of friends so I assumed he was dating one of them.

    One Sunday, I was asked to speak in church. I didn’t know the guy sitting next to me so I introduced myself and he said he was Matt and he was living with his brother Doug for the summer. Of course, Doug is my now husband.

    Anyway, we gave our talks and afterwards, this nice couple came up and introduced themselves as Matt and Doug’s parents, and told me how much they liked my talk. It had been on family history and we had family from the same area, so they mentioned some names to see if we had any connections.

    Long story short, a couple of days later Doug called and asked me out. He was so shy and awkward at first, but I really liked him. We had a lot in common and had fun together. I too had to take the first step in holding his hand. The kissing thing almost became a deal breaker because we had dated for months and he hadn’t kissed me. I thought he must not be attracted to me. So finally I set up the perfect situation where I knew if he had any attraction whatsoever he would HAVE to kiss me. We talked, and talked, and talked…and finally I just knew he wasn’t going to do it so I said “time to go” and we started walking away. He FINALLY stopped me and said, “Wait, I really wanted that to be our first kiss but I am so nervous.”…he was barely through the sentence when I just decided to lay one on him and get it over with!

    Much easier after that! We got engaged a few weeks later and have now been happily married for almost 10 years.

    While we were engaged, I asked him what had finally inspired him to ask me out after we had known each other for awhile before, and he said, “You remember the day you spoke in church with Matt? When we got home my mom said to me, ‘Doug, don’t tell me there aren’t plenty of girls in your ward to date, and you can start with the one who spoke today’.” He admitted he’d had his eye on me for awhile but that was the divine providence that brought it all together. Good thing for speaking assignments, I guess!

  • facethemusic July 20, 2007, 11:53 am

    Good points, Melinda!! And that IS a curious discrepancy– the way the single women of the church are treated so delicately and lovingly BY the church, while the single men are chastised.
    There does seem to be unbalanced blame placed on the heads of the men, while the single women are made out to be the victims of the single man’s follies.
    I can only assume that the Brethren know more about it than we do.
    And I CAN say this, my husband has only been in the Bishopric for 3 1/2 weeks, and each time he’s come home from a meeting, he’s been very frustrated, saying the EXACT same thing each time “What is the deal with the men in the church?”
    He doesn’t reveal any of the private/confidential matters discussed and never mentions names, or specific circumstances, only speaking in general terms about how hard it is for the Bishopric to fill priesthood callings. How very few men there are who really perfrom in and fulfill their callings, that the Bishopric could name on one hand the number of men in the ward who really magnify their callings, his surprise at the number of men who have porn problems, who aren’t worthy to pass or bless the sacrament, have been disciplined by the church, etc.
    The list of prospective Elders stays the same for years because they won’t repent.
    I know that all that information gets sent to the Stake, who then reports it to headquarters…
    So I’m guessing that when the Brethren speak so boldy and firmly to the men, that it’s for a reason. Of course, the chastisement is only directed at those who are deserving of the chastising– so if your husband’s only reason for marrying later was out of extreme shyness, then their firmness wasn’t directed at him.
    And I must say– I can think of a couple single women, who though they are active, are undoubtedly single because of their OWN foibles, and will probably stay that way until they make some changes. Bitterness isn’t attractive, persecution complexes aren’t attractive, blaming everyone else for your problems that are largely self-inflicted isn’t attractive either.
    Expecting the men in the ward, married or single, to repair every plumbing problem in her house, mow her lawn, fix her car (no matter that the cost is coming from HIS pocket and not hers) , and take a week off of HIS work to take HER son to scout camp (when he has a family to provide for, and no son old enough to go to camp) then have the nerve to throw a temper tantrum when it doesn’t happen….yeah, most men aren’t going to find that attractive either.

  • Alison Moore Smith July 20, 2007, 3:05 pm

    Oh, Tracy, for years I have written silly lyrics to familiar tunes for road shows and ward parties. I am THRILLED to find someone who is so careful about real rhyming! Thank you! I can’t stand the “kind of rhyming” words some people try to pass off. Your attention to details is much appreciated…and the song is wonderful! Clever, clever. :clap:

    Can you say the word “bottom” in church?

  • Melinda July 20, 2007, 3:16 pm

    That’s an interesting take on the matter, facethemusic. I always assumed the brethren got lectured and the sisters got comforted because of the gender of the speakers. Can you imagine the uproar if a priesthood leader tried to tell the sisters to get their acts together and they could get married if they wanted to? They wouldn’t dare say something like that!

    Same thing on the list of prospective elders that never changes because the men won’t repent. I wonder how long adult women would remain on a list of prospective RS sisters if they had to pass a worthiness interview to get into Relief Society. Hmm, and how many women would be eligible if women had to meet a certain standard of worthiness for a weekly activity like blessing the sacrament.

    Interesting. I think we make our men’s problems a lot more obvious than our women’s problems, because so much visible Church participation for men rests on their worthiness, while a woman gets into RS no matter what and no one asks her if she’s worthy to perform an ordinance on a weekly basis. Unworthy women can hide more easily.

  • Alison Moore Smith July 20, 2007, 3:47 pm

    Interesting points, Melinda. I generally agree.

    Did ya’ll know that Relief Society used to be by invitation only? That you had to be nominated and approved, like a sorority? You also had to pay dues.

    FWIW, the men don’t have to be found worthy to attend priesthood meeting, nor do they even have to hold the priesthood.

  • facethemusic July 20, 2007, 4:41 pm

    Your attention to details is much appreciated…and the song is wonderful! Clever, clever

    Happy to oblige, my dear. :)
    Oh! And I think “bottom” is probably more “church-worthy” than “jerk”!

    I wonder how long adult women would remain on a list of prospective RS sisters if they had to pass a worthiness interview to get into Relief Society. Hmm, and how many women would be eligible if women had to meet a certain standard of worthiness for a weekly activity like blessing the sacrament.

    Too true, Melinda. More good insight.

  • mlinford July 20, 2007, 10:48 pm

    I am whispering this because I try not to share too much about my fam online, but do you want to laugh? My hubby’s name is MATT. ANNNNND, my maiden name is GARDNER! Wahahahhahaha!

    We seriously need to meet sometime, girl! :)

  • mlinford July 20, 2007, 10:49 pm

    Oh, was too fast at the draw (didn’t even finish your post). OK, so our hubbies’ names aren’t the same, but still….lots in common. Kind of fun. :)

  • mlinford July 20, 2007, 10:55 pm

    That’s an interesting take on the matter, facethemusic. I always assumed the brethren got lectured and the sisters got comforted because of the gender of the speakers. Can you imagine the uproar if a priesthood leader tried to tell the sisters to get their acts together and they could get married if they wanted to? They wouldn’t dare say something like that!

    I think it relates more to men’s responsibility to lead out (culturally and IMO spiritually) with regard to these things. Our leaders have a lot broader view than we do about what is really going on.

    Our leaders also talk to the young women, though, and give them different counsel, like not waiting around for marriage, getting an education, and not encouraging behavior like continuing to hang out with men who just want to be buddies and mooch off their food. :) (If you haven’t read Elder Oaks’ talk, it’s a good one to get a feel for both sides of the equation. Besides, I thought it was spot on.

    I think we need to remember, too that the leaders realize that what they say won’t apply to every single person in the Church or in the situation they are addressing. They sometimes address problems they see, but don’t assume that everyone will have those problems.

  • JustRandi July 23, 2007, 5:00 pm

    I Love the song, and agree wholeheartedly with Alison. Your attention to real rhyming makes it wonderful. I don’t have to do the inner cringe thing when something doesn’t quite make it.

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