Mormon Momma

I have spent most of my life driven by guilt. In fact, I have often found myself all but paralyzed by guilt. I have an intense desire to do what is right, and yet I always, always fall short. I resent myself and my fallenness, and consequently fall into despair.

I recall a time when I was visiting my parents, and I cozied up to watch some tapes of Women’s Conference. I sat and cried through them all. There was that crushing feeling again; I could never measure up as a person, a wife, a mother, a Church member! Each talk seemed to pile on the pain and weight of my imperfections. I felt completely hopeless.

Truth be told, I’ve finished many General Conferences feeling the same way. In fact, sometimes I’m feeling so vulnerable that all it will take is a single lesson, or even a well-meaning (or not!) comment from someone, and I feel overwhelmed with sorrow about how weak I am.

I suspect I am not alone in these experiences with “guilt-driven” disappointment, discouragement, and despondency.

But wait! Do the following sound like fruits of the gospel and of the Spirit?

Helplessness
Despair
Crushing feeling
Pain
Weight of imperfection
Feeling of never measuring up
Hopelessness
Feeling overwhelmed with sorrow
Disappointment
Discouragement
Despondency

(The list could go on, no?)

I am indebted to a man by the name of James Cox who helped me understand that there are two different responses to guilt feelings. One is worldly sorrow, and the other is godly sorrow. One traps us in the chains of the adversary, and the other helps us progress and grow. Understanding the truth about guilt and godly sorrow is transforming my life!

Too often, we let our fears and insecurities drive our responses to counsel and correction (or even criticism). We wrongly define our worth by our behavior, and so when our sins and mistakes and shortcomings and failings are brought to the forefront, we allow ourselves (we choose!) to become paralyzed with guilt and feelings of worthlessness. (e.g., “I’m a terrible mom/wife/person because I don’t ___________ or I do ____________ .”) As we choose worldly sorrow, we engage in self-condemnation, focusing repeatedly on where we failed. Again, the focus is on our behavior, on our performance compared to the ideal.

In response to these feelings of worthlessness and paralyzing guilt, we will often either withdraw from others and/or from God (e.g., “I’m not good enough to pray.” “I’m not good enough to be loved by God, or by you.” “I’m not good enough to hold that calling, or to be a mother to these children.”), or become defensive and blame others for our feelings (e.g., “That talk ‘made me’ feel guilty. If only he would have said this in that way, I wouldn’t feel so rotten.” “If you could be more positive about the things I do right, I would feel better about myself.” “The Church puts too much pressure on us to be perfect.”) Not only do we then become trapped in negative feelings about ourselves, but we also fall more deeply into spiritual darkness by how we react to our negative feelings. (We are here to act, not to react!)

What is worse is that sometimes we mistake this kind of self-inflicted suffering for repentance.

I like what Elder Theodore M. Burton says about what repentance is and isn’t. He said:

As a General Authority, I have prepared information for the First Presidency to use in considering applications to readmit repentant transgressors into the Church and to restore priesthood and temple blessings. Many times a bishop will write, “I feel he has suffered enough!” But suffering is not repentance. Suffering comes from lack of complete repentance. A stake president will write, “I feel he has been punished enough!” But punishment is not repentance. Punishment follows disobedience and precedes repentance. A husband will write, “My wife has confessed everything!” But confession is not repentance. Confession is an admission of guilt that occurs as repentance begins. A wife will write, “My husband is filled with remorse!” But remorse is not repentance. Remorse and sorrow continue because a person has not yet fully repented. Suffering, punishment, confession, remorse, and sorrow may sometimes accompany repentance, but they are not repentance…. The meaning of repentance is not that people be punished, but rather that they change their lives so that God can help them escape eternal punishment and enter into his rest with joy and rejoicing. If we have this understanding, our anxiety and fears will be relieved. Repentance will become a welcome and treasured word in our religious vocabulary. [It means] a change of mind, thought, or thinking so powerful that it changes one’s very way of life.

Elder Burton helps us understand what godly sorrow is all about. When we choose to feel godly sorrow, we still recognize shortcomings and sin (we all have them, after all, and we can’t seek for help and change if we don’t know what needs to change). But instead of staying focused on our sins and weaknesses, when we feel godly sorrow, we turn our focus immediately to the Savior. We humbly and hope-fully seek for God’s help and forgiveness. Godly sorrow brings light, hope, and joy because we know that He can help us not only be cleansed from sin, but can also help us change, grow, and become better. (See Elder Bednar’s amazing talk on how true spiritual growth is so far beyond just our own discipline and efforts but requires absolute reliance on the Savior!)

In short, godly sorrow and true repentance turn us back to God and bring us back into the light of His love. He is always there with open arms! Godly sorrow is something we should seek to feel constantly. When we let feelings of paralysis, discouragement, despair, hopelessness, worthlessness, and myriad other emotions and reactions fester, we choose spiritual darkness and give the adversary power over our hearts.

When I started to understand the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow, this account in Alma 36 took on a whole new meaning for me.

Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.
Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.
And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul (v. 12-16).

Note that as Alma focused on his sins, he was tormented with pain, guilt, regret, and hopelessness. Of course we know that recognition of sin is a step of repentance, but we can’t stay focused on our sins, or we will be stuck in the trap of despair. Alma teaches us what to do.

And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy (v. 17-21).

Even as I read these marvelous passages, tears are falling down my cheeks. Consider the power and beauty of the message. Alma was tormented, hopeless in the extreme, when he focused on his sins (paralyzed with guilt would be an understatement, I think). I suspect that this was in part that he realized that there was no way he could undo the consequences of his actions. In fact, the consequences of his behavior would probably continue on for some time, perhaps though generations. (Sometimes we may not be able to change the consequences of our sins. At other times, those consequences take time to really sort out, or may not really be sorted out until the next life. But we are promised that all things can work together for our good if we love God, so there is hope!)

But, Alma teaches us how we can find peace and joy in spite of our weaknesses, in spite of anything that might have happened. We focus our attention on the Savior. We turn to Him and rely wholly on His merits to save. Note how instantaneous the peace can be! Note how deep and significant the resulting joy can be!

To me, the contrast here between Alma’s pain and his joy sums up the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow, between being paralyzed with guilt and instead using guilt as a reminder to immediately turn to Christ. Guilt is bondage if we don’t turn to Christ. On the other hand, guilt can be a gift if we respond to it by accessing the Atonement.

In all of this, I think it’s important to consider why we have feelings of guilt. Sometimes we feel guilt because we really do need to change. It takes a great amount of humility and faith to recognize that need, and to then go to our knees asking, “Father, what wilt Thou have me do? How should I change? Wilt Thou give me strength to do what I need to do to be what I need to be?” If we defend or berate ourselves, we will not find the freedom, peace, and light the Atonement can bring.

Sometimes, though, feelings of guilt come from our own insecurities and lack of security in God’s love. We focus on our behavior and our perceptions of our shortcomings and assume that we are not acceptable to God, and begin the negative patterns mentioned above (we either become discouraged and paralyzed, or get defensive and blame others or circumstances for our actions and feelings).

The Spirit can help us discern between the two sources of guilt. Either way, though, the solution is the same: We turn to Christ. We turn to the Light to come back into spiritual light. As we do, the Spirit can help us see things things as they really are. He will help us see us as we really are — beloved children of God. We will be more able to know and trust in God’s love, and trust in the power of the Atonement to help and save us. And we will be even more able to discern between the guilt given as a gift from God and needless guilt that we trap ourselves with.

For me, the key to all of this is being truly grounded in God’s love. I have been on a sort of crusade to learn to separate my worth from my behavior, or my house, or my children, or the opinions of others, or my accomplishments, or anything else externally measurable or external to me. My worth has already been determined by God.

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.
And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-13).

So, as I might receive nudgings from the Spirit or counsel from leaders or feedback (or even criticism) from others, I can first remember God’s love for me and the worth of my soul because of the Atonement. I can then turn to God to help me know what He would like me to change, recognizing that He loves me in spite of my weaknesses, and will help me line upon line if I allow Him to. All the while, I can remember that my worth is not determined by what I can or can’t do, or what I am or am not doing.

The more I trust in God’s love, the less I’m tossed about by what goes on around me. The more I trust in His love, the less I need defenses to “protect myself” from counsel or correction (that felt need for protection is grounded in worldly sorrow). The more I trust in God’s love, the more willing I am to change (without feeling threatened or worthless), and thus, the happier I am — because change brings me closer to my eternal goals, closer to God.

So the next time you feel guilty (whatever the cause), remember: Guilt is a reminder to turn to Christ so we can feel the love of God working in our lives and hearts. Godly sorrow is all about accepting God’s love through His Son’s Atonement. I pray that we can trust more fully in that love, trust more fully in the Atonement, and let ourselves experience the joy that godly sorrow can bring.