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Mormon Football

A primer for those confused about this very special sport.

Quarterback Sneak: Those who duck and run out of a fireside right before the closing prayer to “avoid the rush.”

Draw Play: What many children do with the bulletin during Sacrament Meeting.

Half-time: The period between Sacrament and Sunday School when many choose to leave.

Bench warmer: Those who do not sing, pray, comment, teach, or apparently do anything but breathe.

Backfield-in-motion: Making a trip to the restroom or drinking fountain during a meeting.

Staying in the Pocket: The forgotten tithing envelope’s best move.

Two-minute Warning: The point at which you realize the meeting is almost over and begin to gather up your children and their cheerios, crayons, and stray Power Rangers.

Instant Replay: The speaker loses his/her notes and falls back on last week’s Sunday School lesson.

Sudden Death
: What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the meeting goes into “overtime.”

Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any visitor, fellow member, or best yet anyone in the bishopric.

Flex Defense: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the meeting to affect your life.

Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for their other meetings.

Sacked: Being asked to speak in Sacrament meeting (tomorrow).

Blitz: The rush for the refrigerator following the closing prayer on fast Sunday.

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