Mormon Momma

A reader writes:

I am just now reading Circle of Sisters articles. I wonder if you have any plans for articles about LDS sisters who have been abused by their “good” LDS husbands and are or have gone through a divorce because of it?

Obviously I am in the midst of that scenario. This has been very traumatic for all concerned, especially children living away from home. The abuse was mostly verbal and emotional—with a good measure of sexual abuse taking place behind closed doors over the years. Yes, my almost-ex-husband was disciplined by the
church, but he has never been able to believe that his behavior was abusive. I’m doing OK, as we’ve been separated for 17 months. I’m working part-time, going back to school, etc. But what is the most difficult is the older children. How do you cope with their anger, taking sides, denial that their dad could do such a thing, insistence that mom must be lying because dad says she is, etc. Have any of you gone through something like this?

I love my children, no matter what they say or do. Dad has asked two of the daughters to testify against me. He has no other character witnesses and is oblivious to the damage this may cause us all. I know this is really off the wall, but maybe there is a sister who has gone through this later in life. If so, I would appreciate your input, counsel, etc. Thanks!

The author of the preceding letter offered her name and any part of her message, hoping to help other sisters in similar circumstances who thought they were alone in this type of trial. We deleted her name, just in case publishing might harm her upcoming case or in any way damage her children.

Jeannie says:

What incredible courage you must have to face this challenge. I can’t even fathom the amount of hurt this division in the family must be causing you.

It is so natural for abusers to rally support by coercion and polarization of family and friends. This is extremely frustrating because warfare is covert, destructive, and dishonest. The victims of this dishonesty are left feeling defenseless and once again abused by not only the perpetrator, but also by those from whom the greatest support should come.

You cannot control the things your husband says about you to your children. You can’t even stop them from appearing as character witnesses. I would suggest trying to reason with him through a third party. If someone could be called to arbitrate, perhaps the horribly destructive ramifications of his decision could be explained. However, he is desperate and may indeed use these desperate means to make his case. Prepare for the worst case scenario, but pray for the best. The Lord can do great things and soften hearts.

I’m sure it’s small consolation right now, but in time, all things will come to light. All truths will be revealed…some in this life, some in the life to come. If you conduct yourself in a truly Christlike manner; i.e. not responding with venomous remarks as he would expect, not forcing your children (grown and still at home) to emotionally split their allegiance (as hard as this may be) and lastly, to keep yourself so above reproach there will be no cause for criticism, I just know that your children will be smart enough to eventually figure things out.

It will take lots of painful time, tears and prayer to stay on top of this monster challenge. Have you had some good counseling? There are support groups for abused women trying to stay independent and strong.

Is there a trusted friend or confidant with whom you can discuss these things? What does your bishop say? He has obviously had dealings with your husband. You need some loving, understanding arms around you at this time and I for one, will be praying very hard for you.

Please write back and let me know how you are doing.

May the Lord bless you with the necessary strength to make it through the next difficult months.

Much love, Jeannie