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Vanilla 1.1.2 is a product of Lussumo. More Information: Documentation, Community Support.
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- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeJan 29th 2010
Please join us to discuss "How to Tell the Top of a Hill". -
Michelle, thank you! as I begin to climb yet another hill, I really needed this perspective. Eventually, I will make it to the top of this hill, and be able to touch the sky! then, I will make my way back down to the valley, and tackle another one!
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I love running hills. Can't wait for the spring thaw. oh, wait, not sure that's what we are speaking of. my bad.
Thanks Michelle for the lovely thoughts. though i truly do love running hills. Sometimes I stop and cry when I reach the top. -
- CommentAuthorfacethemusic
- CommentTimeJan 30th 2010
WONDERFUL!!! I LOVED this Michelle-- what a great post! And I LOVE the poem! Short, but profound and FULL of wisdom! Lot's to think about! -
- CommentAuthorAlison Moore Smith
- CommentTimeFeb 3rd 2010
Michelle, I'm just looking for a plateau. At least for a little while so I can rest up. -
- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 3rd 2010
I'm a plateau kind of girl, Alison! Plateaus are important steps along the journey, IMO. Just so long as we don't take an extended vacation there, and begin to believe the plateau is the destination... -
- CommentAuthorAlison Moore Smith
- CommentTimeFeb 3rd 2010
I'm PRAYING for an extended vacation there!
This is my thinking, if I can just hang out on the plateau, I will be SO MUCH MORE AFFECTIVE helping other people in their struggles. That's what I'm trying to convince God of anyway. Let me be a helper. I'll do a super job! -
Michelle i know you've moved and stuff but can you tell us more about what the problems are and how you are dealing with them. My problem is that I don't really have a good model for how to deal with trials as a mom etc.
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- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 9th 2010 edited
Partone, are most of your trials related to motherhood? I don't know the ages of your kids, and I don't know your situation and what other challenges you face.
My 6 kids are now 21-7. The trials and struggles I had when they were younger are different now. I know people say the teen years can be horrible, but my teens overall have been wonderful (so far) and I find life much easier to handle now that they are old enough to do most things on their own. The parenting struggle is so different (and, in my own experience, so much easier) when you aren't lugging diaper bags, changing dirty diapers, potty training, buckling into car seats, dealing with toddler tantrums, trying to handle constant fatigue, etc, etc, etc... for what feels like forever. Repeated endlessly. Per child.
I will try to answer your questions and hope it will help. I am reminded of the quote in The Princess Bride when Inigo says, "Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up." We have had our share of challenges throughout our 23 years of marriage, but for some reason the past 5.5 years seem larger than life and to have held more than their fair share of trials.
Basically, we have been through unemployment three times - twice without any warning (and unjustified in our opinions, but oh well) - and all for an extended period of time. We became legal guardians of a friend's grandson (also our oldest son's friend) who had some major issues with authority figures, following rules, etc. (He is a good kid with more emotional baggage than anyone ever deserves to experience.) He was with us for 10 months, and honestly for me it was mostly 10 months of hell. I had to come to terms with the issues **I** had with him and realize it wasn't just *his* issues that were a problem. We also became the "Hotel" for two other groups of friends who stayed with us for several months (not at the same time) due to a variety of circumstances, mostly dysfunctional family situations. We were the "safe place" to land. It's a tightrope to walk the "help vs. enable" line, and there is a lot of stress involved.
During most of these years I served as YW Pres - not a trial for me as I loved it. It definitely was a lifesaver in terms of having something else to focus on besides all of my own problems, but it was still time consuming and demanding. We also had our oldest graduate from high school and go away to college - always a little hard for a parent, especially the first time. We had minor household repairs that we could not afford to fix, causing constant worry. Plus other minor problems here and there.
Then you add in PMS, perimenopause, teen girls' emotions with teen boys' aptitude for teasing... plus younger kids. Add in guilt, minor depression, frustration, and all the other emotional reactions to situations outside of your control... So we had emotional chaos as well as the physical circumstances. Plus I went back to work for the first time in 12 years, so we all had to adjust to that.
Goodness, what else?! There's more, but I guess that sums it up. It seems like things just kept happening and we never had time to catch our breath or get ready for the next big crisis. I felt like I was constantly holding my breath, afraid to see what would happen when the other shoe fell... and then the shoes just kept continuing to fall...
This resulted in our move - one we didn't "want" (we loved our former area, schools, friends, ward, stake...) but knew we needed to make for a stable job. So we added the major stress of taking our kids and me away from our foundation of support. (Ray is pretty even-keeled and adjusts pretty easily, so even though it wasn't preferred, it was "easier" for him than the rest of us.) Our oldest also entered the MTC right before our move. So we were getting Ray ready to come here to start work (a month before we moved), getting Ryan ready for his mission, and getting our house ready for a big move... all at the same time. STRESS!!!
I hope I never have to repeat the experiences of these years!!! I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. -
- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 9th 2010 edited
Partone, you also asked how I deal with my trials.
Sometimes I just don't know how to do anything except continue to put one foot in front of the other...
I have always held onto faith and hope - especially that there is a purpose to all the mortal struggles we encounter. These past few years have really tested that faith and hope!!
My usual coping mechanisms include crying on Ray's shoulder, venting to close friends, escaping by doing something I enjoy and that makes me feel good (blogging, reading, spending time with friends, etc), or anything else that will distract me or make me feel happier. (CHOCOLATE!!)
Something I have learned during these years is how important it is to open up and share your struggles with others - it doesn't have to (shouldn't) be everyone, but find someone who will listen and provide some feedback. That has proved invaluable for me in gaining some perspective and insight, and just releasing tension. Talking and listening helps you realize you aren't alone, and that everyone struggles with something.
Service is also a good way to focus on something other than your own trials. Helping others makes you feel good but also puts a lot of things in perspective. The saying that 'you can always find someone worse off than you' is usually true! I discovered that I'd rather deal with my own horrific challenges than the cancer or dysfunctional families or other trials with which others were dealing.
I also started blogging, and that has helped me articulate my thoughts, my frustrations, my joys, and my lessons learned.
And probably the single-most important thing I do to help myself is to write a blessing list every week. I started doing this two years ago. Every Sat night I post about the good things that happened that week. Some weeks that has been "I survived!" Other weeks, there are so many blessings that they overpower all the trials. It has shifted my perspective. I have learned that regardless of how tough life is, there is still something good in it. And looking for and recognizing those blessings has made me a better person, one who can handle setbacks and trials with more optimism, faith, hope and trust than I used to do. -
- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 9th 2010
Ah, another thought...
I think one of the hardest parts of parenthood is learning to put your wants/needs on the back burner. It's easy to get burned out on always having to do something for someone else. It's easy to start feeling frustrated and lonely and overlooked and under-appreciated. I think that is pretty normal.
This is one of the reasons why I think older kids are easier - I have more time to do things for me. I can (usually) blog without having too many kids pulling on me, wanting my undivided attention. I can (sometimes) talk on the phone without interruption. I don't have to constantly "entertain" my kids because they have found their own interests and are more capable of doing more things on their own. Most of my kids don't need me to pour them a cup of juice or whatever.
That type of busy-ness abates as the kids get older. -
- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 9th 2010
Sorry. One more thought:
One of the most profound things that happened to help me through these tough years was the lightning bolt epiphany that has become my mantra:
Endure Well Enough for Now
Enduring to the end is so dang hard sometimes!! When hard things kept happening, I was just struggling to continue to breathe and try to face each day (hour) at a time. It felt impossible to endure to the end... the end was never in sight!
When Heavenly Father helped me see that enduring can be done in small incremental steps that are still progress, it was like a huge load was lifted off my shoulders. Enduring for one month or one week or one day or one hour or one minute is a WHOLE lot easier than some intangible "end."
For me, enduring well enough for now has made all the difference in being able to handle my trials. -
- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 9th 2010 edited
Does it go without saying that some days are easier than others?
I could never have written these thoughts last weekend when I was having an emotional meltdown! Time offers perspective... -
Michelle, thank you.
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- CommentAuthorAlison Moore Smith
- CommentTimeFeb 13th 2010
Michelle, it is so kind of you to share your personal trials. While I'm not happy that you experienced them, I know that it's often a relief to others to know they are not alone in their trials and not alone in feeling overwhelmed, etc. Thanks for your willingness to give of yourself to others here. -
- CommentAuthorMichelle D
- CommentTimeFeb 14th 2010
Thanks, Kiar and Alison. Your support means a lot to me.
I often talk in generalities but don't often share details publicly like this - my trials are huge to me, but they are pretty typical of those with which many people deal. I don't think I'm dealing any better than others; these are just insights and thoughts that help me keep going when life gets tough. I hope they help others, too.
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